I watch as Jason paces the floor in front of me. He deserved the truth. After all the years together, he at least deserved that much from me. I could see the tears forming in his cornflower colored eyes, and it tears at me, though he refuses to let them fall in my presence. I see his inner battle to keep them from touching that perfectly beautiful face. I want to tell him I love him but I know Jay well enough to know that this is not the time for such sentiments...and he wouldn't listen to them if if I did try, so I keep it bottled up inside me.

"How long has it been going on?" He asked, looking at the floor. I wish he would just scream at me or hit me...just do anything other than pace the damn floor.

"Does it really matter?" I try not to be cruel by giving him the details. I can't do this to him. I can't stand to see the pain etched on his face.

"It matters to me. Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick. You tell me you are fucking going to marry this bitch....then you set there and ask me if it really fucking matters." Jason finally stopped his pacing. Those magnificently blue eyes glaring at me with so much anguish that I want to walk over there and hold him...Kiss him and tell him it's going to be all right, but then that would be a lie. It will never be all be alright, Not ever again. I lied to him. Not just once but more times then I care to actually count.

"That's not what I meant, Jay. And you know it." I try to reason with him, my heart shredding with every breath I take. I inwardly want this to be some horrible damn nightmare and soon I'll feel Jay shaking me, gently whispering for me to wake up, to have him kiss the fear away and then make love to me as only Jay can do.

"I don't know anything about you any more...I thought I did. I thought I knew it all. I thought I knew you. You said she was a one night stand. A one night stand, Adam. You fucked her in a drunken moment when I was gone...You got horny, you fucked her. That was all there was to it, and I said 'Alright, I'll deal with it, I'll get over it.' And now you set here and tell me there was more than one time. How many more...Two...Three...Four...even more then that and Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, the bitch is pregnant with your child and you have to marry her. You have to?" He is so near tears now that I can almost *taste* them and I groan a loud from his pain. My pain. "You have to because of something that some god for saking asshole did to you thirty years ago. You are gonna fuck up my life over shit that happened thirty fucking years ago...Shit that I can't do anything about...Shit that I can't even fucking change. Just fucking great, Adam. JUST FUCKING GREAT!" Well, at least he's talking now. I move to the side, barely dodging the glass he *was* holding in his delicately long fingers. I hear it as it shatters against the wall behind me, but I do not turn around to see the Pepsi stain the whiteness of the wall.

"Jay, I..." I begin, trying to explain something that I don't have a clue as to how it even happened in the first damn place. Well, I know the *How* it happened, just not the *why* it happened. I love Jay. Damn, I love him with my entire being, and I'm doing this to him...Again!

"No, Adam...Don't...Don't even try to explain to me how you fucked the stupid bitch or why. I don't care to hear the details." He holds his hand in the air. That's good, I was really not prepared to share them anyway, even if he wanted to hear them. "I have never fucked around on you with anyone else. NEVER. Now is this where you tell me you was drunk, again, or maybe just desperately, fucking horny?" He screams. "Then use your God-damned hand, Adam. I have. More than once when we was not together. I never even fucked Denise. My own God-damn wife. I could have. I had plenty of chances to fuck the hell out of her. She fucking begged me, Adam." His voice unwaivering in his anger.

"I needed..." I again start to explain, only to have him silence me by a way of his hand through the air.

"You needed...HER....Fuck you. Have a great life and a very happy marriage!" Jay screams, tearing the ring from his finger that I had given him when we first began our relationship so many years ago that I can't even count them all anymore. The ring clatters on the coffee table in front of me as I watch Jay walking toward the front door. Walking out of my life forever. Fear gripes me, ceases my breathing. Panic. I am damn near panic stricken as his hand turns the door knob, pulling the door open slightly towards him.

"Jay, Stop. Please, Baby...Don't do this to me." I stand, moving quickly towards him. With the palm of my hand I slam the door shut loudly, pinning him between my body and the door. There's no way in hell I can just let him walk out of Thirteen years. "Listen to me, Baby..." I murmurer against the back of his head, inhaling deeply the scent that is so uniquely Jason; The gentle mixture of Ivory soap, that strawberry shampoo I love so much that he uses, and the warm, musky scent of his skin. Jay. My perfect Jay. I can't lose him. I can't let him go. I just can't. I am nothing without him. Nothing.

"No, Adam. I've heard enough of your fucking lies to last me a life time, but thank you anyway. Don't do this to you. You're the one that fucked the bitch, apparently more than once by my calendar and now she's knocked up with your baby. Something I might add I can never give you, now all of the sudden how the hell I feel doesn't even fucking matter to you anymore. You have the balls to stand there and tell me not to do this to you?" He is screaming even louder now, way beyond the point of just merely upset, that, and the fact he's cursing like a drunken sailor, well...at least I got him to talk to me but next time I'll just hand him the knife and let him cut my heart out instead; Less pain that way and a quicker death...That is providing there will be a next time between us. Which at this point, I sure as hell don't even see the next five minutes of "us" unless I do something...And FAST!

"Fuck you, you stupid little bitch." He continues with his rant. His attempt at hurting me as much as I've hurt him. Of breaking my heart and it's working damn effectively, I'll give him that much. "I'm not going to listen to anymore of your god-damned lies. Let me go. I want out of here right fucking now." Jay screams pulling at the brass knob in a vein attempt to open a door that was not budging with the palms of my hands flat against it. He's losing it fast and doesn't want me to see him crumble like a house of cards.

"No. I can't do that, Jay. I'm sorry, baby. I love you. You. Do you understand me, Jason Reso-Copeland?" I use everything in my arsenal to try to keep him, including the near cruelty of calling him by my last time the way I do when we are making love together, lost so deeply inside each other that I no longer care about anything but pleasing him with all I have to offer him. "There has never been another that I have ever loved, before or...after you, Baby. Please...God, just listen to me. Hear what I'm saying. If you've ever trusted or believed in me, believe me now, baby. There will never be anyone else for me but you...Ever!" I shout the words as his fist slams violently into the door, busting his knuckles open, sending his blood splattering against the mahogany frame. My body jolts as he whirls around at me, his back pressed tightly against the door in a vein attempt not to touch me.

"At least you got one thing through that fucking thick skull of yours, Copeland. The fact that we are through...That there will be an after me in your life because there sure as hell is no fucking *me* in your rotten life anymore. I hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you. I'm sure that you can find some other boy-bitch to suck your-"

Without any rational thought, My hand slaps his cheek; My heart is shattered at the thought that he has diminished my feelings for him as nothing more than a 'Boy-bitch'. "Don't you ever...EVER...say that to me again; You have never been just a boy-bitch to me, Jason Reso. God-damn it, Jay. Just listen to me. You fucking know damn well that I love you. If you would just listen to me. Will you at least do that much, Jay?" I am now the one screaming as he stands there with his back still pressed tightly against the door frame, rubbing at the deep red mark left on his perfect face. All these years and this is the first time I ever hit him. I starkly remember the "feud" we had for WWE and he had to convince him to hit him, that he knew it was just staged. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, if even if it was staged, and that was to hit Jay. I personally think that sick fuck "Vinnie Mac" got some cheap-ass thrill out of seeing me hit Jay's pretty face. Masochistic bastard!

"No!" I hear the one word slip from his lips defiantly as he plugs his ears and starts to hum to himself, his eyes closed tightly. I can't help but smirk at how absolutely childish he looks at this moment or how desperately vulnerable he is as my hands grab his hips, pulling him closer to him, my lips covering his with a possessive hunger.

And of course, he fights me like a caged animal but I knew not to expect any less from him. His hands delve in my hair, pulling at it's length. His body bucking against my larger one as I slam his back roughly against the door. He inhales quickly the air that passes from my lungs into his; for there is no other air between us. I groan against his parted lips, tasting blood, not sure as to whether it is his or mine...and not really giving a shit either. I want him more than I've ever wanted him or anyone else in my entire fucking life, but then again, I never wanted anyone as much as I want my precious Jay...That's just pretty much a given. I love this man and will do anything not to lose him and *Anything* is a damn wide range at the moment.

I let the grip on my right hand move to the nape of his neck, holding his lips tightly against my mouth, savoring his taste as my tongue duels with his for supremacy, his taste fills me. Peppermint, coffee, Jay. My head is spinning in wild, maddening circles as the fingers of my left hand move to deftly unsnap his jeans. His body is finally relaxed as his hips move against my knee that has parted his thighs. He is whimpering in the confines of my mouth. I pull my lips from his only long enough for both of us to heave a tattered breath of air past, swollen parted lips, then my lips crush violently against his again. His body is hard, hot against mine, even through several layers of clothes I can feel his body heat and the thought of raping him if I have to passes my mind as soon as it enters. Jay could no more deny this then to deny air to enter his lungs...No more than I could deny him, if the circumstances were reversed.

I pull him tighter against me; Air swooshing from his mouth to mine in his shock as I damn near carry him into our bedroom. With my foot, I kick the door closed so that if he does decide to try to bolt he has to pull the door open first. I would have locked it, but there's no fucking way that my hands are leaving his flesh for at least the next few hours or so. If I have nothing left, I have this at least, and by god if this is the last time we ever make love he *will* damn well remember me for the remainder of his days and then some!

~Soon to come "A matter of body, heart, and soul" The sequel to "It matters to me"