It hurts so much. Deep, deep down in my heart it hurts. People don't think that it does, they think I enjoy it, I'm used to it, whatever, but it hurts so fucking much and I don't have anyone to turn to.

Each one, I think they're different. I think that they're looking for love, the same as I am. Each time I'm used, abused and thrown away like yesterday's trash. I feel like a piece of meat, not a human being. I just wish that someone would love me...

I've been in the WWF for a good few years now, and ever since I got here it's been the same. First it was Shawn, then Kevin, then Scott... the list goes on. The new kid, open about his sexuality, I was a target for everyone, and in no position to say no. Many times... I guess you'd call it rape, but I survived. But once you get that stigma, an easy fuck, everyone wants you for a one night thing or whatever, and anyone looking for love steers well clear.

I wish I could say that I deal with this, but I don't. I'm not dealing with it at all. I never have. Throughout the whole thing I've tried everything: drink, drugs, you name it, I've done it. The only thing that has ever made me feel better is when I hurt myself. Not hurt myself in the ring, but with a razor, mostly cutting my arms. In the ring, if I fall wrong or something, I can't control the pain, but when I'm cutting myself, I can control it, it's mine. That's why I wear the armbands I make for me and Matt - so no one can see the scars. No one knows about them, not even Matt. After all these years I'm good at hiding them.

Right now I'm with Chris Jericho. We've been together for about five weeks, which is pretty good for me. We fucked about an hour ago, then he went back to his room. In one way I like it when they do that cos it means I can go and punish myself for being so weak. But sometimes I just wish I could .... someone would hold me afterwards ... make me feel special.

But then I'm not special am I? I'm just me, Jeff Hardy the slut. Who I am and who I'll probably be forever. Why would anyone want to do something for me? Since I've been with Chris I've been really bad, my arms look like road maps. The thing is, he's really special, really important to me. And each time we fuck and he leaves I lose a little bit more of him and I know I'm doing it and I hate myself for it. I wish I could ask him to stay...

When I hear a knock on the door I rush to pull on a long sleeved t-shirt, wipe my eyes, and answer the door. It's Chris. Oh god, I wish... well it doesn't matter what I wish... he probably wants to fuck again. I let him in and he kisses me. The thing about kissing Chris is that he is so tender, almost loving towards me. He runs his fingers through my hair and just for a short time, I feel important.

His hand is on my cheek and he stares into my eyes. It's weird, he looks sad. His touch is so soft, as he caresses my skin, and it's a while before he does anything else. Then he traces my eyes with his fingers, and speaks

"You've been crying Jeff. What's wrong?"

Now where would he like me to start? But why is he asking me this? Why does he care? I just stare at him, and I can see something in his eyes and he is so beautiful. I can't speak. I'd like to but I can't I can feel tears in my eyes and I will them to stop but they don't.

"Jeff don't cry sweetie. Come on, talk to me." He takes me in his arms and I feel so safe. I let out all of my tears and sob into his shoulder. He's so nice, he just rocks my body and whispers soothing words and I feel so safe and secure.

Finally I stop and I'm scared again. I prepare for Chris to go running from the room. But he doesn't. He leads me to sit down, then kneels at my feet, taking my hands in his and staring up at me.

"Jeff honey, tell me why you're so sad. Tell me what's made you so unhappy."

He keeps asking. He must really want to know. Maybe... maybe he cares. Perhaps I can tell him...

"I'm so tired of being everyone's whore." I start. Then I think, does Chris know my past? Will I scare him off forever? He must know. I'm sure he's been warned about me. Hell, why else did he get with me? "I just want to be loved, I don't want to be an easy fuck... I want to be special to someone, but I know, cos of my past, I'll never have that."

I'm frightened to look at him. Scared to look into his beautiful blue eyes and afraid that I'll see hate. But he squeezes my hands and forces me to look at him and what I see is not hate. I'm not sure what it is... but it's not hate.

"Jeff." I love the way he says my name. "Why do you hate yourself so much sweetie?" He has no idea how much I hate myself.

"Because I'm worthless. I'm only good for sex, everyone knows that."

"Darling why do you think that's true?" He sometimes when we're talking brushes my cheek with his fingers, such a tender movement that means so much to me yet nothing to him.

"It is true. That's all any of them have ever wanted from me. From Shawn and Kevin, right to today, that's all anyone wants. And... and I'm not even allowed to say no. It's like I'm public property, everyone can have me whether I want it or not, and I hate myself for being so weak as to let them." I say all this before I even realise it. And shit, I'm crying again.

"Baby shhhh." he holds me tightly. "It's OK baby, It's OK." But it's not. He'll still leave my like all the others. When I look at him, he's crying too and now I feel worse that I've caused that.

"Sweetie how old were you when you joined the WWF? Sixteen?" I nod, unable to do anything else. "And it started then?" I nod again. "Then... honey they took advantage of you... they were wrong baby, they shouldn't have messed with your head like that."

"I... I was so flattered that someone took an interest in me... that was with Shawn." I reveal what I hardly knew I knew. "Then ...he dropped me and Kevin....he asked me and I just wanted reassurance and then the same thing happened and kept on happening, and I realized that sex was all I had to offer people to make them like me ... and I got a reputation so people would come to me for sex... whether I wanted it or not. It was like they had a right to sex cos I'd given it everyone else."

"Jeff." Chris speaks carefully, like he's planning what he's gonna say. "You've been abused and taken advantage of so many times. It's not your fault, please don't hate yourself baby."

"Don't say it's not my fault Chris. " I warn "There have been plenty of people where I was willing. Just because those relationships didn't work out... I know some people have done wrong... but I'm not innocent."

"What they did wrong was letting your reputation cloud their judgment." he stares at me, like he's willing me to understand him. "Do you..." Suddenly he's nervous "Jeff did I take advantage of you?"

"NO." God how could he think that? "I... I like you more than any of the others. That's why I hurt myself worse every time you left cos I thought you'd leave me for good." Shit. Did I just say that? Now I've scared him off for sure I know I have.

"You hurt yourself darling?" He is the picture of concern, and this is something I just don't understand. I mean, cutting yourself is a disgusting thing to do, isn't it? I just nod. "Let me see."

Silently I pull off my T-Shirt. I'm too scared to look at him. I can't. I know I'll only see hate, disgust, whatever, I know it'll be bad. Oh Chris, don't you realize that I hate this, I hate myself?

"Jeff I'm sorry." His voice is tear broken and instinctively I look at him. He's crying, and he looks so sad. I feel horrible for causing him to be like that.

"What are you sorry for?" I ask softly, wiping away his tears.

"For leaving you each night. "He sobs "Oh Jeff I never wanted to cause you pain." But it isn't him that's causing the pain, it's me. It's my choice. It's, it's like I know I can never have love so it's the only feeling I allow myself.

"It's not your fault Chris." I never wanted to make him cry. "It's me. I'm fucked up." We hold each other again and I feel so safe. I wish this feeling would last forever. Chris' arms are so soothing, so protective.

"I love you Jeff." He whispers this so softly at first I hardly realize he's said it. Then I just stare at him. He can't mean it, No one loves me. But he says it again "I promise, I love you Jeff, and I will never leave you again."

"Chris?" I see something in his eyes and I'm scared to believe that it's true. "Save me baby. Love me."

"I'll make it OK babe, I promise." This is what I've been waiting for all my life. Maybe.... maybe it will be OK.

Read the sequel It Hurts Me Too