He says he needs me. He thinks I'm strong, that I'm the one who stops him falling apart. He has no idea. I mean, I love him, I need him, but I'm not what he thinks I am. I'm not who he thinks I am. But if I tell him that, I'll break his heart.

Everyone looks at me and sees a party animal, the Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla, they see me wrestle some fantastic matches, I come out all smart mouthed and seemed so confident… but I'm not. I'm not confident, I'm scared, I'm bruised. I'm a wreck. And I love Jeff, but I can't be with him on these terms. I have to tell him who I am, what I am. And I'm scared that I'll disappoint him and I'll lose him. I couldn't survive without him and I think, I worry that I'll scare him away. But I can't live a lie. I know what I'm risking but I have no choice.

I sit him down in our hotel room and tell him we need to talk. The scared look on his face tears through me, but there is nothing I can do.

"Jeff baby. I've been lying to you." I tell him, then I realise I said that in the wrong way. His eyes fill with easy tears. "I mean, I haven't been honest with you. I'm not what you think I am. I'm not…" I take a deep breath. "I'm not strong. I'm not confident. I… I need you. I'm not the strong person you see on TV. When you see confidence, inside I'm broken and falling apart." I'm on a roll now. Jeff's listening to me with rapt attention. "I act smart but I don't feel it. And I know that you… you need me, but I'm not strong enough, I'm not strong. I'm scared. I love you and I need you. And… I'm so close to falling apart." I put my face in my hands. I didn't know I had the words to tell Jeff how I feel but I do and it hurt me more than I ever thought it would. It's the first time I've ever exposed my soul to anyone and I'm scared I've made a huge mistake. I begin to cry softly, and await my lover's response.

He doesn't say a word. He just puts his arms around me and holds me tightly. I never expected that, but his kindness and support touches my heart and I let out all of my pain, my fear, my confusion, in a barrage of sobs and tears. And Jeff just holds me, a silent support that means everything.

"Jeff, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not what you need me to be… I don't want to lose you but I'm not the strong person you want me to be and I can't give you the support you need." I look up at him with sadness in my eyes. I'll say goodbye if it's what he needs, but then… I don't know what would happen to me then.

"I think you can." He says softly. "If I support you… if you let me follow you, if you let me into your thoughts, if you trust me, then… maybe… we can work things out. We can make this work if we go into this as equals. I'll support you, and you support me."

"I'll try." I'd try anything too keep him, if he wants to be kept. "I just need to know how you feel. If you see me like this, with all the polish and confidence and glitter, all stripped away, do you still love me? Do you still want me?"

"I still love you. I still want you." Jeff puts his hand on my heart and I can hear it beating in my ears. "I love the person you are, with all the faults, the fears, everything. I love you, I love Chris Irvine. Chris Irvine, not Chris Jericho, the man he pretends to be."

I don't know what to do, what to say. Jeff has given me everything I've ever wanted. He's given me his love. I kiss his lips softly, and he smiles. That beautiful shining smile. And I know how lucky I am. How much I put at risk.

"Whatever happens…" he whispers softly. "I'll follow you. When it hurts, when you're happy, no matter how you feel, I'll follow you. I'm here to listen, or if you can't talk, if you can't explain, then I'll hold you, protect you, I'll be strong when you need me to."

"Thank you." Jeff doesn't realise how much he's given me. But I know I have a responsibility to him too. He's my little one, my baby, and I love him more than the world. He must never forget that. I kiss him again, than stare at him intently, learning again every inch of his face, his beautiful, sculpted face. "I love you Jeff. And I'll never let you go."



Little one don't be a fool, I'm a wreck when I look mighty
In euphoria I'm bruised, in confusion next I'm lightning
In complacence I am small, through oblivion I charge
So follow my way
When I'm not leading anyone
Open and frayed
When you can see that I'm unsure
Out on my way
I'm only pure when I get lost
And you're only needing,
when you're finding that I'm not
You're just looking for a boy,
bathed in infrared and sunlight
I'm all polish and reward,
when I'm confident I'm hopeless
Just like everybody else, right before they fall apart
So follow my way
When I am falling from your heart
When I'm the pain
Fever and sweet relief in one
Out on my way
Though I'm not worthy of your trust,
follow me down into a swan dive
All eyes closed tightly
Lowly, slowly now I know I like where you go when you're gone
Warm your hands inside my veins, I might be contagious
Through oblivion I charge
Follow my way
When I'm useless to your cause
When I derail
Calm in the patience of remorse
Out on my way
Out on my empty open nerves
When all you know
Is that I don't know where we are
When all you know
Is that I don't know
Follow my way.