How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
and tried to turn the tables?
I wish you'd unclench your fists
and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this,
but don't think it's too late


Sean watched as his lover of over a year threw his clothes in a suitcase. He ran his hands through his hair, sighing as he took a seat on the edge of the bed. It dipped under his weight and Brian looked over, pausing as he threw a shirt in his bag.

"I'm sorry."

Sean nodded his head, not saying a word. He leaned his head against the wall and continued watching Brian pack. His eyes roamed over Brian's small but athletic frame as he bent over to grab his shoes. He still couldn't believe this was happening. Just last week, they had been talking over the future, and now Brian was leaving. He wasn't just leaving Sean-he was leaving the company. Sean had thought everything was fine-he had no clue that anything had even been bothering Brian. It wasn't fair. He hadn't done anything wrong. Hell, he'd been on t.v. less than Brian had, especially after the motorcycle accident he'd been in a few weeks ago.

"I have to do it, Sean."

"I know."

"It's not because of you. I just-" Brian stopped and turned to look at him. "I can't take it anymore. I wish I wasn't leaving you but-" Sean shrugged as Brian looked at him helplessly. He knew what was coming next. He'd heard it all day. Brian was going to ask him to go with him. But, he couldn't. He'd worked too hard to get to where he was now. Sean wasn't about to leave when his time was finally coming. He knew if his lover could just hold on a few more months that he'd be getting better matches again. The opportunities were there-they just had to wait.

"Please Sean, come with me? We can go to Japan or-or somewhere…"

"I can't, Brian." Sean stood up and loomed over his lover. "This is my life now." He bent down, kissing the top of his head. "It's not too late. You can still stay. They'll take you back."

Brian shook his head.

"There's no opportunities for me. With you-you're a big guy, Sean. You have the chance to become a big name. Hell, you were on your way in WCW."

Sean sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. There was no arguing with Brian. He knew his lover was right-he usually was. He WAS a big guy and sooner or later his time was going to come. He'd read the articles, seen the sites, heard the rumors-everyone knew Sean's time was coming soon. Brian was smaller, but he was so talented. Sean knew he could still make it, but for some reason, Brian himself couldn't see it.

"Sean, I know what you're thinking."

Nothing's wrong just as long as you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now


"No, Brian, you don't," Sean shook his head, hair flying in his face. "If you did, you wouldn't be leaving."

"Sean, I gotta leave. Maybe someday I'll try coming back, but right now…"

Sean turned, looking out the window. He felt Brian's arms wrap around his waist, but he didn't respond. Why should he? Brian would be leaving him in just a few hours anyway. His eyes closed as Brian kissed his shoulder-it was as far as he could reach, even on his tiptoes.

"Someday isn't enough."

Brian nodded his head and pulled away. He knew Sean was right. He turned around and threw the rest of his clothes in his bag. His hands shook as he tried folding his one good dress shirt. It wasn't that he wanted to leave Sean, but he just couldn't stay somewhere where he was in a stagnant pool-where he had no opportunity to grow. Looking back at Sean still facing the window, a tear slipped down his cheek and onto the shirt. Brian wiped the shirt-it was his only good shirt, one that Sean had picked out for him. He finished folding it and closed his suitcase.

"Dammit, Sean! Do you think I wanna leave you?"

"I'm not sure anymore," was Sean's whispered response.

"I-I love…" Brian sighed and sat down on the bed, putting his head in his hands.

"What? You love me?" Sean shook his head and turned to face his lover. "Brian, if you loved me you wouldn't just leave."

I know you're wondering when
And I hope that since we're here anyway, we can end it, saying
Things we've always needed to say, so we can end up staying
Now the story's played out like this just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits instead of a Hollywood horror


Brian took a deep breath and looked up at Sean.

"You're right."

Sean licked his lips and turned back to the window. He shook his hair out of his face and leaned his head against the cool glass. He waited for Brian to leave, to walk out on him now that he'd just said that he was right.

"Sean-"

"Brian, words aren't enough right now."

"I DO love you."

Sean's voice was low and calm.

"Bullshit." He turned around and eyed his lover carefully. "You wouldn't just leave like this if you did. You'd have talked it over with me." His eyes narrowed. "Go on and leave or you're going to miss your plane."

Brian sighed and grabbed his suitcase. Looking at the clock, he realized Sean was right. If he didn't go now, he'd miss his plane back home. He bit his bottom lip and looked at his lover for a moment before turning to the door. His hand grabbed the knob and he stopped.

"Sean…someday I'll be back. I promise you."

"Goodbye, Brian."

"I-"

"Goodbye. You'll miss your plane."

Brian swallowed and opened the door. He took one last look at Sean before walking out. He did mean it-he would be back one day. It might be years down the road or just a few months ahead. Maybe he'd be back once Sean got his shot at being the big star he knew he was going to be.

"Someday," Sean snorted as he finally turned back around and looked at the closed door, "Someday my ass."

Nothing's wrong just as long as you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)


Read the sequel Going Back