Looking at the man lying next to him, Steve knew that what happened tonight would change his relationship with Chris forever. He'd been wrong to give in to what he'd wanted...wrong to let this happen. And he was hoping it didn't come back to bite him in the ass.

His future was so tenuous right now that he'd needed something solid to grasp on to. He was facing surgery on his neck and no one could guarantee that he'd come back to the Fed better than ever, let alone that he'd survive the surgery itself. Weird things happened sometimes...

Tonight had been one thing that he could have before letting himself get swamped in all those uncertainties once again, but it might end up causing the one he loved more pain than he was facing himself.

He hoped not, because if Chris ended up hurt as a result of this, he'd never forgive himself.

Chris meant everything to him.

****

So many things could have ended their budding relationship. Steve had known even in the beginning that the lingering aches and pains he was suffering from needed time to heal. He just hadn't expected Vince to force the issue so soon. The Sunday following the first date from hell, Vince had cornered him before the pay per view. They'd decided to have him drop the belt to Mick that night so that he could take time off...rest up...get better.

He hadn't been happy with it, but then they hadn't given him a choice. Chris had searched him out in his dressing room when he'd heard about it and offered a shoulder to lean on. Steve had accepted gratefully and that had marked their second date...if you counted curling up on the bed watching movies until you fell asleep together an actual date.

Steve did.

Two months later, he had to face facts...his neck wasn't getting better. He'd still been on the road even if he hadn't shown up on television every week and he'd spent all of his free time with Chris. Steve had wanted to take things slowly so that they could build something real rather than ending up with hot sex and little substance. So despite spending practically every moment together and some furiously passionate make-out sessions, they still hadn't taken that final step. He always managed to come to his senses before they lost that last layer of clothing.

Chris had accused him a million times of being a tease and he'd simply replied by saying that the best things in life were worth waiting for. And at the time he'd meant it...

After he went to see the doctor and got the news that he would have to have surgery, he'd been happy that things had worked out that way. Steve trusted his doctor, but things can always go wrong when you're facing surgery. He could end up paralyzed or, worse case scenario...dead. And he hadn't wanted Chris to have to face that so early in their relationship...

****

Steve arrived at the arena, coming directly from the airport. The only people that knew about his doctor's appointment were Vince...and Kevin. Chris had been working with Fozzy over the weekend and he'd invited Steve along, but Steve had told him that he had things to catch up on at home. He had paid his bills, but that wasn't the only thing he'd been doing...he'd been finding out the truth of how fucked up his neck really was. Steve had almost told Chris about the appointment, but something had held him back. And now that things had turned out the way that they had...he didn't intend to tell him at all.

With any luck at all, it would be a couple of weeks before the news broke. That way Chris would never make the connection...

He hadn't made it three steps through the door before he spotted the blond. Every time he saw Chris in his ring attire it made him wonder if Chris wasn't just a little bit color blind. If he wasn't then there was no explanation at all for the glaringly loud outfit he was wearing. Crazy thing was...that Chris still made it look good.

A bitter smile twisted his lips as he observed the man he had fallen head over heals for. He was so vibrant, so full of energy...bouncing in place as he held a simple conversation with a few of their co-workers. Chris made people smile and feel alive just with his very presence.

And Steve was going to have to let that go.

With a quiet snarl, he turned and walked quickly towards his locker room. He was halfway down the hall when Chris spotted him. He hadn't turned back to look at the blond, but he knew without a doubt that Chris' eyes were on him. Ignoring the unsettling sensation of being watched, he stalked on towards his private locker room.

He threw open the door with a forceful shove. It made a satisfying bang against the inside wall and another when he slammed it shut behind him. It did little to help vent some of the frustrated anger at himself for what he was about to do...tear out his own heart. He was only hoping that he was doing this soon enough to save Chris from the same fate. He had to be.

There was a hesitant knock on the door and he bellowed his usual reply...

"What?"

"It's me. Are you decent?"

Chris' voice sounded so tense that Steve wasn't sure he wanted to let him in. Maybe he'd get lucky and Chris would break up with him so he wouldn't have to do the dirty work. It'd kill him to find out that Chris didn't believe that they were working together, but it would hurt less than having to break his own heart.

Trying for his normal demeanor so that Chris wouldn't suspect anything, he searched for a smartass reply.

"I'm never decent, but ya can come on in anyway."

The snicker that he expected never came. The quiet whoosh of the door behind told him that Chris had come in, though he would have known in any case. Chris' eyes were on him once again.

"You're decent enough...when you want to be," came the quiet reply as strong arms wrapped around his waist from behind. Warm lips pressed softly against the nape of his neck and he couldn't stop the small sigh that slipped from his lips. Chris had just given him the perfect opening. His eyes squinched tightly, he cursed himself. Lord, he didn't want to do this...

His hands covered his face momentarily as he rubbed at the bridge of his nose. More than anything he wanted to stay right here in the comfort of Chris' arms, but he couldn't...

"Headache? You've had a lot of those lately." The deep concern he heard almost killed him. Damn it. He had to do this and he had to do it now.

"Nah, not a headache," he said gruffly as he lowered his hands and gently broke Chris' embrace. No matter what he was about to do, he refused to physically harm Chris. "I'm jus' not in the mood fer this."

"For what?" He could hear the confusion lacing the quiet words.

"Fer this..." he said, waving his arms erratically. "All o' this," he stated, turning to look at his lover. If he was going to do this, then by god he would be a man and look him in the eye while he did it. "Yer wrong, Chris. I'm not decent, not a damned bit. Look, it's been fun, but I'm tired of playin' the gentleman. This thing with us...it's jus' not workin' for me. I need somethin' else."

He wasn't surprised at the sadness that flooded those beautiful bright blue eyes, nor the flash of anger...what he hadn't expected to see was the understanding.

"This is about your surgery, isn't it?" The blond asked shortly.

Bloody everlasting hell. Vince hadn't kept his mouth shut. Now why the hell didn't that surprise him.

"It ain't got a damned thing ta do with my surgery. It's 'bout what I need. And ya ain't it, Chris."

"Bullshit!"

Steve narrowed his eyes as he searched furiously for something to convince him. Christ. He wasn't supposed to have to fight this hard to make him believe it.

"That wasn't an act...you are a gentleman. I know you care about me. I've seen it in your eyes so don't you dare try to tell me otherwise. You're pushing me away because of the surgery. You're giving up on us because you don't think I'll stick by you through this. Damn it, Steve. I'm not going to let you go through this alone. I care too much."

Steve loved the fire burning in Chris' eyes. So sure...so convinced that he was right. And he was, but damned if Steve was going to admit it. He'd made his decision and he was going to stick to it.

"Yer wrong..." Steve told him, finally turning away from those too intent eyes.

"I'm not wrong. Don't give up on us. Steve..." Something in Chris' voice made him tense. He wasn't sure what it was, but he didn't dare look at him. That didn't stop Chris from saying what he had to say. "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Steve bit his lip as his heart lurched in his chest. He wanted to turn into Chris' arms and admit that Chris was right. Damn, how he wanted that, but at the same time, he knew that he couldn't. How could he tie Chris to him now? What if he ended up paralyzed or something? It'd kill him to watch the life drain slowly from those lively blue eyes as Chris stuck by him, took care of him. And Chris would, because he was Chris. But Steve would never forgive himself for that.

He needed something else to convince Chris to give up. He grasped at the one thing he was sure would do it, though he'd be owing someone a huge apology for this.

"I'm sorry Chris, but yer wrong," he said dully, ignoring the aching wrench in his chest. "This ain't 'bout the surgery, it's somethin' else." The tension in the room was almost overbearing. "I was at home seein' the doctor 'bout my neck, but I didn't go by myself." He could see the surprise in Chris' eyes, but surprise wasn't what he was aiming for. "Kevin went with me."

"Kevin? Nash?" Wariness now...Every so often rumors had run rampant in the back about his 'close friendship' with Kevin Nash. The rumors had been around for years so he was sure that Chris had heard about them, even in WCW. He was counting on that.

"Yeah...Nash. And when I got the bad news, well...he helped me the way only Kev can." The lecherous smirk cost him, but he held it knowing what he was implying. The shortening of Kevin's name and the familiarity with which it was said implied the same thing. Steve knew the exact second when Chris realized what he meant. Those precious sapphire eyes that had been soft with emotion only moments earlier with his confession of almost-love sparked with anger.

"No." He'd expected a shout...the quiet soft-spoken word surprised him.

"Yes," he said back just as quietly, but with conviction. "Yer a great guy Chris, but Kevin...he's what I need." Steve forced himself to turn around before Chris could read the lie in his eyes. He heard the door slam behind him. Chris was gone.

He owed Kevin a phone call and soon. Kevin had been with him...both at the doctor's and at his house for the weekend, but only as a friend. The distraction he'd offered had come in the form of helping Steve drink himself into a stupor and watching over him while he did so. What Steve had implied...well, he'd have to apologize to his long-time friend and make sure he kept to the story. Kev would do that for him. But before he did that...

Steve walked over to the door and locked it. Stumbling back to the bench, he sank down and finally let the tears that he'd been holding back fall silently down his cheeks. There was a big gaping hole in his chest now and that hurt more than any injury that he'd ever sustained in the ring...

But it was for the best.

****

It was a good thing that he'd been working with Hunter that night. He and Hunt could wrestle a match together with their eyes closed...what had amounted to a street fight had been cake. If he hadn't felt so damned low, he would have shared a good laugh about the popcorn stand...and the beer. And the bit with the rattlesnake, that'd damn near been priceless. Instead, he'd headed back to his hotel and holed up there until it was time for his flight. Then he'd gone straight to the arena.

The Smackdown taping on Tuesday night had been just as easy. A shot of him walking into the arena, a quick interview, and then the segment with Hunter attacking him...simple. And that was fortunate, because he wouldn't have been able to muster any more than that.

He'd avoided Chris the rest of that Monday during Raw, though he'd watched his match on the monitors. Chris had been spot on with his performance, but Steve had noticed the coldness in his eyes, the lack of sparkle had damned near killed him. Tuesday during his match with Hughes, he had lost the cold look, but the sparkle still wasn't there. Steve felt lower than...he'd have said a rattlesnake, but that would have been terribly clich?. Suffice it to say that he felt lower than low.

Two more house shows and a signing on Thursday had taken their toll on him. The flight home Friday had been terribly uncomfortable. His neck was constantly throbbing and he'd finally given into the urge to take the little white pills that the doctor had had to force him to take with him. He more than likely shouldn't have driven home from the airport, but he hadn't had much choice. As he pulled into the driveway, he realized that he really didn't want to go inside. Chris had spent a long weekend with him a few weeks ago. There were so many memories from such a short stay and Steve knew he was going to dwell on them for a long time to come.

Even as he walked onto the porch, he was assailed by images. Chris had sat curled up in his lap on a chair on the front porch one evening, the two wrapped in a blanket to watch the sunset. At the time, he'd been hoping that it was something that they could do for years to come. Biting his lip at the memory, he stuck the key into the lock and then he frowned when he realized that the door was already unlocked.

What the fuck...?

Walking into the two-story ranch house warily, he listened for sounds to indicate that someone might be in there. Steve heard nothing as he crept further into the house. Stopping at the stairs, he thought he heard a squeak from the floor above. It could just have been the house settling, but Steve didn't think so.

Sneaking into a room down the hallway, he grabbed one of his hunting rifles and after checking to be sure it was loaded he stalked quietly up the stairs. Despite the sunlight filtering through the curtains, there was a light on in his bedroom and he could hear something that sounded like papers being shuffled. A quiet curse informed him that there was indeed someone in the room, but it wasn't loud enough for him to identify the speaker.

Creeping forward, gun at the ready, Steve stepped through the doorframe only to pull up short in stunned surprise. Spread across the bed were the papers that he'd brought home from the doctor's office last Friday and sitting in the midst was a golden-haired blond.

"Are ya fuckin' insane? Yer lucky ya didn't get yer ass shot." Steve shouted as he lowered the rifle and set it against the wall in the corner.

"Don't be ridiculous. You weren't going to shoot me," the man said from the bed, seemingly unperturbed as he lifted one of the papers for a closer look.

"What the hell are ya doin' here, Chris? I thought after Monday that ya would've gotten the hint..."

"Yes, let's talk about Monday, shall we?" Chris said, interrupting his tirade before it could start. Chris gathered up the papers as he spoke, turning to lay the pile on the nightstand. "Do you have any idea how pissed off I was on Monday? Hmm? Not only was I pissed off, but I was damn well hurt, Steve. Luckily I got the chance to take it out on Hughes by knocking him around a bit."

Steve bit the inside of his cheek, unsure if he wanted to cry for having hurt Chris or laugh at Chris for being happy to have found a way to let off some steam. He wasn't about to do either, especially when he was still confused over Chris being here.

"Then I got back to the hotel and I got to thinking. I thought long and hard all night about what you'd said...then I called Kevin..."

Oh bloody everlastin' hell...he'd forgotten all about calling his tall blond friend to fill him in on what he'd done. And since Chris was here instead of home nursing a broken heart...his cover had obviously been blown. He was so rattled that he didn't even think to ask how Chris had gotten Kevin's number.

"...And ended up talking to Scott."

That raised an eyebrow. Yeah, Kev and Scott worked together and they were friends, but not once in all the years that he'd known him had Scott answered Kevin's phone.

"He must have put me on speakerphone when I asked to talk to Kevin. I didn't know it at the time, but..." Chris said with a shrug and a wicked grin. "When I told Kevin that he had better keep his fingers off of you, Scott chimed in and threatened to take them off at the knuckles...with his teeth...if he didn't."

Steve groaned and covered his face with his hands. It sounded like he owed Kevin an even bigger apology than he'd thought. The groan ended with a grin though as he realized that Kevin must have finally taken his advice about seducing Scotty. It was about damned time.

"And since you're grinning instead of growling about that, I'm going to assume that when Kevin said he'd never had his fingers on you to start with...that he was telling the truth."

Too late, Steve realized what his reaction had given away. Although to be honest, Chris would have figured it out in any case. Steve scowled as he stared at the beautiful man now sprawled on his bed.

"So I lied 'bout Kev ta git rid of ya...what's yer damned point Chris?"

His scowl increased as he watched Chris arch his back in a stretch that should have been illegal. The sparkly midnight blue running shorts that the blond was wearing pulled obscenely tight and Steve could tell just from the sight that Chris was not wearing a stitch beneath them. Catching the drop of drool the thought provoked at his lip before it could escape, he forced his eyes off the man and focused instead on the floor. The floor was a safe option...right?

Not when Steve could picture the two of them rolling around on it together...naked.

Grunting quietly with his frustration, he was startled when Chris responded with a boisterous laugh. His eyes snapped back up to that beloved face to find Chris grinning like a loon. When had he lost all control here?

Chris slinked off the bed...yes, fucking slinked...and Steve felt a bead of sweat start to form on his brow as the sexy blond approached him. He finally stopped when he was invading Steve's personal space in every way possible without touching him physically, but he might as well have for all the effect it was having on him.

"My point is, Steve, that I know why you did it. I know that you're trying to protect me...save me. You think that you're doing what's best for me just in case something goes wrong..."

The words were spoken in an affectionate whisper, heated air caressing the side of his face and the shell of his ear. A few strands of hair that had escaped Chris' tight ponytail tickled against his cheek. It hardly amounted to touching, and yet it was so damned tempting that Steve wanted to grasp the blond and lose himself in him...really touch him. But he didn't dare. He needed to do what was best for Chris.

Snarling, he snapped his head quickly to the side, focusing on the wall instead of the way the cotton t-shirt that Chris was wearing stretched tightly across his chest and stomach. He stared silently at the picture on the wall. It was the only one in the room of himself. Standing on the turnbuckle, holding the title high, there was a radiant smile on his face...and one of the ever present cans of beer raised high in a toast to his fans. God how he wanted that again, but he didn't know right now if he'd ever be able to go there again. The thought kept him focused enough to say what he needed to say.

"I'm not sayin' yer right," he said tightly, "but if ya are, why don't ya let me? Why can't ya just leave, Chris? Just walk on out the door and don't look back..."

He kept his eyes glued to that picture for two reasons. The first was to keep himself from crying at what he was giving up. Men like him just didn't cry...at least not in front of anyone else, he amended, as he remembered his crying jag in the lockerroom. The second was to keep himself from snatching the blond into his arms and never letting go...something he desperately wanted to do.

The feel of strong hands landing gently on his chest startled him, but he didn't dare look away from that picture. Not even when the hands started to move upwards, brushing his shoulders before they locked together just behind the nape of his neck. He could feel the intensity of Chris' stare, even without looking at him and it felt as if Chris could see inside him to his very soul. Fighting down a shudder of desperate need, and losing, he closed his eyes and prayed that Chris was going to go...that this was a last goodbye.

He should have known better.

Soft lips brushed his cheek and once again hot air caressed the shell of his ear. "I can't. I can't just walk out the door and leave, because there's something I need to tell you, Steve. I lied to you, too." Those words caught his attention and despite fighting the urge, he gave in and turned to look at Chris. Sparkling sapphire blue blinded him with radiance, the soft look found in those eyes almost his undoing. "Monday night...I told you that I was falling in love with you..."

His heart lurched violently in his chest once again. Chris had lied about falling in love with him? Even though he knew that he wouldn't have been able to bask in that love...ever...it had still been a balm to him to know that it had been there. Now...

A harsh swallow and a quick blink of his eyes were the only outward reactions that he allowed himself. He'd mourn the loss later, along with the loss of Chris, once the blond finally took his advice and left.

"I was wrong."

Rub it in, why didn't he?

"I'm already there, Steve. I love you."

What the hell was this? Torture? Purgatory? Wasn't his surgery enough punishment for whatever transgressions he'd committed in his life?

Apparently not...

If thinking that Chris didn't love him hurt, knowing that he did and that he couldn't accept it was just plain cruel. Hell on earth...that's what it was.

Chris pulled away from him abruptly and Steve bit his lip on a whimper. Now it would happen. Now Chris would leave, just the way that he'd planned, and he could crawl in bed and cower like a wounded animal.

He watched as Chris backed away from him, confused by the wicked smile on the blond's lips. What now? More torture?

"I love you, Steve. And I'm not giving up on you...on us. I'm going to go with you to every single doctor's appointment and the day of the surgery I'll be camped outside the doors of the operating room. There is nothing you can do to push me away."

Groaning when Chris crossed his arms in front of his chest, recognizing that obstinate stance that Chris used when he really wanted something, Steve opened his mouth to protest yet again. Didn't Chris realize that he was only doing this for his own good? Did he think he liked torturing himself this way?

"And before you say another word," Chris stated, effectively cutting him off. The wicked smile on his face grew exponentially and Steve wondered what kind of hell he was in for now. "The only way that you will get rid of me..." the blond said, lowering his arms and staring at him stubbornly. "Is if you physically throw me out of this house and out of your life, Steve. Prove to me that you don't love me like I love you. I dare you."

Read the Chapter Two of From the Ashes