Jared laid in the bed he shared with Jensen at the cabin he'd moved all of them into. He was exhausted, mind, body, and soul. Most nights he laid in the bed watching Jensen sleep afraid to touch him out of fear that he'd wake him. The fact that he could do this night after night was a testament to what kind of man Jared really was. Because what he really wanted to do was, shake him ' til he woke and beg him to look and really see Jared. He wanted Jensen to stop and look at Jared and see that he was falling apart, no longer able to keep himself together with his duct tape and bubble gum.

He wanted Jensen to wrap his arms around him and be the one to assure him that everything would be ok. He wanted soft touches and quiet whispers of words of love in his ear. He wanted tender kisses and fingers run down his cheek.

He wanted, just for once since this nightmare started all those years ago when he walked into the office and saw that sad man standing there looking like he was perched on the edge of a cliff, to be the one that could be weak. He wanted to be able to cry at will. He wanted promises he could believe. He wanted a sign that tomorrow the future would start and there would be happiness and love.

He wanted love.

Instead, all he got were a cold bed in a strange room with his best friend sleeping in the room next to them and Mike out on the couch. He got doctors who thought they knew what was best and sympathetic smiles of pity from people who assumed that they knew what his life was like. He got Jensen sleeping dead to the world thanks to the fun medication they had him on.

But, at least one of them was sleeping, right?

Jared kept telling himself that was what was important.

That Jensen was improving, that he was getting better, that he was beginning to learn whom he was, and that he was growing stronger.

That was what was important.

Jared's little breakdown was just trivial, just a minor occurrence that Jared would just have to get over.

Because really, he didn't have time to breakdown. Who would be strong for them if he did?

Having given up on sleep, Jared sat outside by the lake, which was near the cottage they'd be living in for awhile. The grass beneath him was still wet from the previous night's dew, but he didn't really notice it. His mind was too busy wandering aimlessly trying to find solutions to a million problems to focus on any one thing.

He didn't know exactly what the problem was, but he just couldn't get his mind to stop. He felt wound up in a ball so tight that he wasn't sure he'd last much longer he could feel it hovering on the edges of his consciousness, the breakdown, the collapse, the whatever was coming. Or, coming again since he figured technically he'd already done it once.

He wasn't sure what to call what happened back at the house. He knew they were all worried, but every time he turned around, he saw another potential pitfall that could send Jensen and Mike spiraling downward again. Frankly, he was growing tired of it, and he was growing tired of the "living life on the edge of the abyss" feeling that he couldn't get rid of.

He missed happy.

He missed just laughing carefree with Jensen, sittin' on the couch watchin' a game or a movie. He missed things that he hadn't even experienced with Jensen yet and was pretty sure that was one of the signs that he was losing his mind. "It's a beautiful morning isn't it?" Jared heard a voice ask and jumped, startled as he looked up to see Dr, Ross moving to sit down next to him.

Nodding warily, Jared studied the man briefly before turning back to the lake. "Yeah, I guess. I really just couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake Jensen up. He needs his rest."

Dr. Ross nodded even though Jared wasn't watching him. "It's not unusual for the spouses or partners to have a hard time relaxing when a couple first gets here."

"I keep waiting for the punch line, ya know?" Jared replied pulling his knees up tightly against his chest.

"That's not unusual either," Dr. Ross pointed out. "I'm not just here for Jensen you know, Jared. I'm here to help you, too."

Jared looked down at his feet, his toes curling into the wet grass as he tried to decide how to respond to that. "Jensen needs your help more than me. I just…" Jared shrugged listlessly. "I don't know what I am anymore. Don't see how you can help with that."

"It's not uncommon to feel like you've lost your identity after going through what you have, Jared. You know, part of helping Jensen is helping you. I mean, that was your point when we set up all this, right? That you and Jensen had bonded so completely that he couldn't go through this without you. I will admit that at the time I thought you were just full of yourself. But, Jared, I have to tell you after talking to Jensen, I don't think that's true anymore. It's pretty obvious that you've done a lot to get Jensen where he is. And, while I wouldn't advise anyone else to try your methods, I have to say for you two it seems like it was exactly what needed to be done."

"I also have to tell you that you are certainly not the same man who stormed into my office full of passion and fury all those months ago and challenged everything I knew about drug rehabilitation. That man was not going to allow himself to be swayed for anyone. What happened between now and then?"

Jared huffed humorlessly as he shrugged. "I guess he got tired."

Dr. Ross nodded curling his arms around a knee as he settled in more comfortably. "Tell me one thing you want."

Frowning Jared turned his head and really looked at the doctor for the first time. "What do you mean? In life, with Jensen, for breakfast what do you mean?"

Smiling Dr. Ross nodded. "Anything, Jared. It could be any of those things, or it could be none of them. Just tell me one thing that you want. I don't want you to think about it, I just want you to say the first thing that comes to mind."

"I want Jensen to love me," Jared said quietly as his lip trembled and his voice quivered.

Of all the answers Jared could have given him, Dr Ross didn't think that anything else could have surprised him more. "You don't think that Jensen loves you?"

Shifting Jared rested his head on his biceps, wrapping his arms over his head, and tangling his fingers in his hair pulling painfully. "I don't know. I just know I love him so much that some days it feels like I'll never be able to breathe the same again. Most of the time I'm not even sure I'm the one that he's seeing. I don't know if it's me, or if it's just because I'm the one that stepped up. If someone else came along first, would he have loved him or her instead? And, if so does that mean this isn't real? And, if it isn't real what the fuck am I gonna DO?"

It was only because of years of experience that Dr. Ross was able to keep himself from jumping at the final shouted word. Granted, it wasn't an unusual fear with couples in this situation, but he wouldn't have expected it with this pair who seemed so connected. Pausing he took a moment to collect his thoughts before responding, knowing this was an important moment for Jared. "So, has no one else tried to help Jensen before you then?" He finally asked watching Jared begin to answer before stopping.

Cocking his head to one side, Jared frowned at the doctor confused. He knew the doctor had Jensen's story. Jared'd sat through the painful while abridged version on their first day there. "You know I'm not. Although I ain't sure how much you can count those others as serious attempts. They seem pretty damned half-assed to me."

Dr. Ross smiled silently agreeing with Jared. "But, the point is that you aren't the first one. And, I didn't hear that he's connected to any of them the way he did you. Even Mike, whom you brought with you, and has known Jensen much longer than you have, doesn't share the connection you do with him. Has he said he loves you?"

Carefully, Jared nods biting his lip momentarily. "Alla time."

"So, has he given you reason to believe he's lying? Or, do you have a reason to believe that he doesn't know what love is? Are you the only person to ever love him?" Dr. Ross asked patiently but calmly in that doctor way that you had to stop and think about before answering.

"Jensen and I don't lie to each other, ever. Sometimes I gotta say I wish he'd lie to me, but he never has. Made promises and not kept them, but never lied. An' his daddy loved him ' fore I did, although it was a long time ago. But, I don't think he's forgotten. Heck I think he'd be less screwed up if he didn't remember."

"So, why aren't you sure he loves you then, if he tells you often, he's never lied to you, and you know he's experienced love before?" Dr. Ross asked gently then before he could respond. "It sounds to me like it's less you aren't sure he loves you and more like you're so overwhelmed you aren't sure of what it is that you DO know."

"I love him," Jared whispered brokenly staring again at the water, his fingers rubbing his skull.

"And he loves you," Dr. Ross assured. "I know because he told me so, and I've seen it said falsely enough to know when I'm hearing the truth."

"What kind of person am I to have lost faith in him?" Jared asked his voice breaking as the emotion tried to crack through the shell he'd wrapped it in. "How could I have stopped believing? What the hell is wrong with me?"

"You said it yourself, Jared." Dr. Ross responded gently. "You're exhausted. You've been going a million miles an hour for months and years on end. You appointed yourself as Jensen's personal savior and bodyguard. You carried not only your world, but his around on your shoulders. You've got a man in your house that you hate, but have to pretend that you aren't even mad at because you don't want to cause him more harm."

"I don't hate Mike," Jared said quickly clenching his jaw stubbornly and Dr. Ross sighed.

"Jared if you won't be honest with me, I can't help you."

"I don't hate Mike," Jared insisted turning his head to look at the doctor who was gazing at him with an eyebrow lifted.

"I call bullshit," Dr' Ross said and for a moment Jared just blinked at him. He opened his mouth to argue then growled grinding his teeth together in frustration.

When he'd been checking our doctors, Dr. Ross had stood out because of his way of refusing to pull punches, while at the same time refusing to be cruel. Jared'd had the feeling that this would be a doctor who wouldn't let Jensen pull, bullshit while at the same time also wouldn't try and tear him apart.

Jared just never expected to be the one on the receiving end of the good doctor's methods. "I don't hate him," Jared insisted quietly running his hands over his face. "I'm just… I'm so mad at him, and I can't do anything about it. I have to just sit there and take his bullshit, and his subtle manipulations, and act like I just forgot the fact that he's one of the ones responsible for this… fucking NIGHTMARE Jensen was living in."

"I mean yeah, he didn't rub his daddy's death in his face, or shove drugs down his throat, or what the fuck ever else the others did. But, he, sure as fuck, didn't do anything to help either! He just fuckin' STOOD THERE AND WATCHED! He covered his own fuckin' ass while Jensen was quietly and systematically taken apart but that fuckin' lunatic Mike was in love with!"

"I mean SERIOUSLY! How fucked up is he that he could SEE WHAT TOM WAS DOING AND STILL LOVE HIM! How can you LOVE SOMEONE LIKE THAT? He's a fuckin' MONSTER!"

"Some would say everyone is worthy of unconditional love, Jared," Dr. Ross said softly. "What makes Tom so different than Jensen? Don't you think that at some point Tom had bad things happen too, for him to do the things he did?"

Standing Jared towered over the seated doctor, rage pouring off him in waves. "DON'T YOU EVER COMPARE THAT WASTE OF HUMANITY TO JENSEN! I mean yeah, Jensen fucked up and did some stupid shit, but he didn't hurt anyone else. Not like Tom! HE didn't rape someone and sell it as something else. HE didn't use someone's past addictions against them, when he knew they were weak! HE didn't beat the living crap outta someone! The only person Jensen hurt was himself!"

"So, the fact that Jensen hurt you doesn't count?" Dr. Ross asked leaning back to look up at Jared, but otherwise remained seated.

Dumbfounded, Jared couldn't respond for a moment, as he stood gaping down at the doctor. "That doesn't count. He didn't do anything like Tom. He didn't mean it."

"Mean it or not Jared, he still did it. He knew his actions hurt you, and yet he did it anyway. HE could have chose to stop a long time ago, and he didn't."

"HE DIDN'T THINK HE WAS WORTH IT!" Jared screamed arms flapping around, fists clenched aching to punch someone.

"I bet you told him all the time, probably daily. He CHOSE not to listen, he CHOSE the drugs instead of you, he CHOISE to hurt you. So, how is he better than Tom?" Dr. Ross pressed seeing Chad coming toward them slowly.

"HE HAD NO RIGHT!" Jared screamed suddenly collapsing to the grass in a heap as Chad ran towards them. "HE HAD NO RIGHT! HE HAD NO RIGHT! HE HAD NO RIGHT! HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT TO ME! I FUCKIN' GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR HIM. I FUCKIN' TOOK EVERYONE'S SHIT FOR HIM. I FUCKIN' COVERED FOR HIM WITH ERIC EVERY FUCKIN DAY! I KEPT HIM IN A FUCKIN' JOB AND HE COULDN'T EVEN TRY! I HATE HIM SO FUCKIN' MUCH! HOW COULD HE DO THAT? HOW CAN HE CLAIM TO LOVE ME IF HE COULD DO THAT?"

Jared sobbed uncontrollably rocking back in forth, Chad's arms wrapped around him whispering softly in his ear, although he was only vaguely aware of it. "How could he?" Jared asked brokenly, eyes lifted, searching Dr. Ross for answers.

"Because he was sick," Dr. Ross said his voice huskier than normal from the overpowering emotion he was fighting to keep under control. "He was sick, and he was abused, and he just didn't understand. But, that doesn't mean you aren't justified in your anger, Jared. You have the right to be mad. You have the right to voice your anger, even to Jensen himself as long as you do it the right way. It's also ok and very possible to hate the things Jensen did to you, to hate the distasteful things he made you do for him, and at the same time love him as much as you do. As a matter of fact, I would say that if you didn't love him so much, you wouldn't hate the rest of it so strongly."

"And, for the record, while I don't know a great deal about this Tom, from what I have been told you are right. Jensen isn't Tom. While I would never say Tom doesn't deserve help, I would never expect you to give him your sympathy certainly not, until he turns his life around. Jensen never, despite all the horrific things that were done to him, turned around and became the abuser. And, that makes all the difference in the world in this situation, Jared."

"I genuinely think, that it isn't that you don't believe that Jensen loves you. I actually think the thing you're really scared of is that YOU don't love Jensen anymore. Does that sound more accurate ."

Jared, unable to speak, nodded as he trembled in Chad's arms, watching as the doctor smiled at him sympathetically. "I think, that your relationship with Jensen is changing. It's not now and never will be again what you had before today. It's not the same love you had, and you're right. That is gone. It's gone forever, but by no means do I think that you don't love Jensen anymore. I think it's just a different love, and that is ok. No couple can go through what the two of you have and not be changed by it, Jared."

"Your relationship is evolving, but that doesn't mean its ending. It just means that it is becoming something else, and what we are all here for is to see if we can't mold it into something, that is more balance to what Jensen, AND you need. So, that the both of you share the load of the burdens, you carry. It's ok, Jared, this is just the beginning."

"Be mad when you need, be sad when you need, but don't be afraid to be hopeful and happy when that comes, too. Don't rob yourself and Jensen of that because I promise you it will come. And, don't forget you aren't alone anymore, Jared. Besides me it looks like you have one hell of a support structure behind you." Dr. Ross pointed to Chad and Jared blushed nodding ducking his head. "Yeah, Chad's… Well, I guess I wouldn't have gotten here without him."

"Yeah, well you ain't gonna have to either." Chad said nudging Jared's shoulder with his own making Jared grin weakly.

Dr. Ross nodded smiling, knowing that Jared had come out on the right side of something dark just now. "One last thing then I suggest you go back to the cabin and get some rest. Preferably, with Jensen if he's still sleeping. That 'it's ok to be mad' thing, that includes Mike, Jared. We have a free cabin, a couple doors down. I think it would be best if Mike moved in there for Mike's sake and yours. You can only do so much, so why don't you leave Mike to me and concentrate on yourself and Jensen."

Jared nodded hesitantly when Chad squeezed his shoulders before standing and helping Jared up. "Thanks, doc." Jared said biting his lip looking somewhat uncertain and finally Dr. Ross stood.

"That's what I'm here for Jared. Let me know if you want a prescription to help you sleep, ok?" Jared nodded and watched as the doctor turned and left.

"Do you think I'm a bad person, Chad?" Jared asked softly, but relaxed when Chad's arms came around his middle, his chin resting on Jared's shoulder.

"You know I don't. The doctor is right about Mike though, Jay. Let us worry about him. You shouldn't be dealing with him right now. There's too many issues to work out there that Mike is currently pretending don't exist. Until he does you have every right to be pissed off at him."

"Not to mention you and Jensen need time alone. Ya know? Mike and I will move into the other cabin. You and Jen stay in yours. It'll be good. We'll be close enough that you came come when you need me, but you guys have your space. You know I love you like a brother right, Jay?"

Jared nodded turning his head to look into Chad's blue eyes. "Yeah, same here man," Jared said before yawning in Chad's face making the other man laugh. "Yeah, I can tell. Come on, let's get you back to your man so you can sleep. Hopefully, when you wake up, Mike and I will be out of your hair."

Several minutes later, Jared climbed back into bed curling his body around Jensen's; resting his head on Jensen's back. "Missed you, Jay." Jensen mumbled sleepily before slipping back into sleep. Jared followed with a smile on his face no longer feeling the pull from the abyss so strongly.

Read the next step Sidestep: Chad's Second Step - To Reassure