Jared leaned against the door of his bedroom staring quietly at his sleeping boyfriend. Leaning his head back against the door, Jared studied Jensen as he slept thinking back on the many weeks since he'd come back and found him in that bar. He felt like he'd come through some battle and was standing on the other side of this massive battlefield, bloody and a little broken inside, but otherwise whole. He'd lived so long with the terrors of his friend and lover's addiction that he'd never really thought about what he'd do once it was over. Not that he thought this was the end of their struggle, because he knew that this was merely the first major victory. They still had many things they needed to accomplish.

It was a victory though and again he was brought back to the thought of, "what am I to do now?" He couldn't help but feel a little lost and out of place and more than a little afraid. Something in the back of his head kept throwing the "what if's" at him. What if Jensen didn't need him now? What if Jensen realized what he'd thought he was feeling was only a figment of a drug induced haze? What if they didn't click now like they did before? What if? And somehow amidst all that he couldn't help but wonder if the addiction hadn't transferred itself from one of them to the other. Because the biggest what if seemed to be, what if Jensen didn't need him anymore? What was Jared supposed to do then?

Jared could feel the wetness on his cheeks, but didn't bother to try and wipe them off. He was just so tired. Tired of addictions. Tired of fighting invisible monsters. Tired of never feeling like he'd have what he needed the most. Tired of being the grown-up and the responsible one all the time. He knew that when he'd met Jensen he'd had dreams of his own. But they were now only a vague memory that he couldn't quite fully make out. The general image still floated around somewhere in his brain, but the details were fuzzy and grainy having lost their edge over time.

He honestly didn't know what he dreamed about anymore. Didn't even know what he wanted beyond Jensen. He realized in that second that, somewhere in the process of pulling Jensen through all this, he'd lost himself and wasn't sure where to start looking to find himself at again. He wasn't sure if he even remembered who he was again, but he was pretty sure the Jared he was before was not a Jared he could ever be again. And if he wasn't that Jared who the hell was he and would Jensen even love him anymore when he figured it out?

The only thing he knew was that he hurt and he didn't know how to make it stop.

He didn't want to be strong anymore. He didn't feel confident anymore. He was weighted down too far under the burden he'd been carrying and couldn't take even a single step forward. He wanted Jensen to open his eyes and look at him like he loved him without breaking him. He wanted Jensen to say it was going to be ok and be able to believe him. He wanted and didn't know how to satisfy it.

He found himself later sitting on the floor, his back still to the door, eyes locked on the sleeping man in the bed and eyes dry and tired from the tears they'd shed. He didn't know exactly what time it was. He was guessing somewhere between two and three in the morning. It was definitely dark outside and the house was quiet. Mike and Chad had either gone to bed or killed each other. Jensen hadn't moved much since Jared'd come into the room. Jared hadn't found many answers to anything since he'd come in either.

"Jay?" He heard called quietly from the bed and blinking refocused his eyes realized that Jensen was awake. "What's wrong?"

"M'tired," Jared muttered softly watching Jensen's forehead wrinkle slightly with confusion.

"Why don't you come to bed then?" Jen asked sitting up pooling the covers around his waist studying his lover. The room was dark, but the doorway was right across from the big window and Jensen'd left the drapes open that morning when he'd gotten up. That left Jared sitting in the bright moonlight, which still wasn't as reliable as daylight; but good enough that Jensen could see something was off. Jared just looked… done.

"M'not talkin' 'bout that kinda tired," Jared finally replied his voice thick with his Texas drawl.

The words, Jensen supposed, in and of themselves weren't overly alarming. After all they could mean a million things, but it was what he knew was behind them that worried him. It was how Jared hadn't moved, not even an inch, not even a head roll, hell he'd barely blinked since Jensen had woken up. It was how Jared's voice was flat and empty, as if all the life had been sucked out of him. It was how his normally full of life friend, oozed lethargy and lifelessness. It was how he couldn't see Jared in him anymore that really, truly scared him. "What kinda tired do you mean then, baby?" Jensen finally asked softly, his voice quivering and breaking as he tried to find his footing on this new uneven ground he'd woken up to be standing on.

"I've been sitting here for… I dunno how long. Hours at least, while I watched you sleep. I've been trying to figure out what I want, to remember what I dream for. But, all I can come up with is all the things that seem to be gone. I want you to be clean. I want to not have to worry about finding you dead on my bathroom floor. I think, I think I don't remember how to be Jared anymore Jen. And I think if I'm not Jared that it's a pretty good chance you aren't gonna love me anymore."

"I think that all I've been able to focus on is getting you past this hell you've been living in, and I can't remember what I wanted once you weren't living there anymore. I think I'm not your Jared anymore. I think you're not my Jensen. I think you're gonna be whole and beautiful and strong and healthy and you aren't gonna need me anymore. And I think I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to not be needed by you. I don't know how to be us if you don't need me. I'm so fuckin' tired of being the strong one, and yet I'm not sure you'll want me if I'm not."

"I think I used to have all these hopes and dreams and ideals on who people were and who they should be, and I think that I'm a little disgusted at what I child I was. I think my brain is caught in the loop of one need and my heart is caught in another, and I think I can't remember how to make them need the same thing anymore."

"I think I can't remember happy because all I can feel is fear. I think I'm so fuckin' mad at you for doing this to us and I'm so afraid what will happen if I feel it. I'm afraid I'll become one of those people in your story. I'm afraid the next time you tell it you'll have to continue on and say and then I met Jared and at first I thought he was it but…"

"I jus'… I think I'm tired Jen and I think I don't wanna think about it anymore." Jared had turned his eyes away from Jensen at some point to stare out the window and continued to gaze exhausted outside.

On the bed Jensen cried unapologetically at the broken state of the man he loved. This beautiful, loving, warrior of a man who had strode into hell and lifted him up carrying him out despite even Jensen's own protests. This hyperactive ball of energy that now sat drained on his own floor, this amazingly passionate and tender man who'd dared to love him when Jensen knew he'd been unlovable. This man who Jensen couldn't live without, only somehow Jensen had apparently forgotten to make sure Jared knew that.

If Jensen lived to be a hundred, and there had been a time in his not so distant past where Jensen hadn't even believed he'd live to see 30 let alone 100, Jensen knew he'd never not need Jared. Jared was his rock. Jared was his strength. Jared was the air he breathed and the blood that flowed through his veins. Jared was his everything, and yet after hearing Jared's words Jensen stopped to wonder, truly and fully focus on contemplating Jared and just who was taking care of him.

Jensen had known for a long time that Jared needed someone, that he wasn't taking care of himself mentally or physically. However, he wondered if in all the time he'd known Jared if he'd ever really sat down and truly thought about the person Jared was. Not only that, but also what it took to make Jared the person he was. The answer he came up with was a simple no, he hadn't.

Jensen had a lot of pretty ideas about what Jared was, but hadn't ever wondered if there was something else behind it. He'd depended on Jared's strength and loyalty, but never wondered what it took to maintain something that ran so deep and true. He'd thrived on Jared's love and affection, but hadn't considered if while he was taking if he was really giving back the things Jared needed, not just giving what Jensen needed to give him. Jensen came to the conclusion that he'd been a pretty damned selfish bastard pretty much since the day he'd met Jared.

And amazingly Jared had loved him anyway.

So, the question he then found himself facing was, what now?

He could take the easy way out and write this off. He could thank Jared for what he'd given him and hightail it out hoping that Chad or someone would be able to put Jared back together. He could continue being selfish and remind Jared that he was barely holding onto the threadbare fabric of his life Thus insuring by guilt that he didn't have to worry about Jared's broken state, because Jared would, without a doubt in Jensen's mind, push it all away and hide it so that it'd never see the light of day again. Or he could be the man Jared deserved.

He could get up off his ass and run, walk or crawl to Jared's side and wrap himself around Jared until the shell around his lover cracked. He could finally give Jared was he needed and not just what Jensen was conveniently willing to dish out knowing Jared would accept its half-assed attempt. He could be not just the man Jared deserved, but the man Jared believed him to be, the man that Jensen had been striving to be since the second Jared made him believe.

Climbing off the bed, Jensen wobbled unsteadily across the room and dropped down onto his knees in front of Jared, taking his face between his hands, drawing his attention back to him. "I love you," Jensen whispered thickly knowing that the tears hadn't yet stopped. "I love you and I need you clean or not, whole or in pieces, now or 50 years from now. Nothing will change that, Jay. I owe you more than I know how to repay. I don't even want to try and contemplate what the bill would look like if we tried to put a monetary value on what you've done for me. I'm pretty sure Donald Trump and Bill Gates together couldn't afford the tab."

"I know I have roads to mend with people I can't begin to remember, but you are the first and only priority I have right now. I'm not letting you go, Jay. I'm not gonna let this destroy us. It's my turn to do the fixing and if everything else is unrepairable when I'm done it'll be ok because I'll still have you. I want you to be mad if you're mad, Jay. I want you to yell at me and scream and tell me how I've fucked you up, not because I still wanna destroy myself, but because I know it's just simply the truth. You deserve your anger, Jay. You're the only person who's never taken it out on me, and the only person who probably had the right to. In the whole long list of things I owe you, letting you scream at me and call me a few names won't even be barely a beginning."

"But I don't even know who I am anymore, Jen," Jared whispered eyes wide and filled with pain and fright seeking answers from Jensen that Jen wasn't sure he had.

Eventually though the answer was simple enough and not even something he'd thought up, but instead just the first thing that made it past his lips. "You're mine, Jay. That's who you are, you're mine." Not too long after Jensen found himself wrapped up in crying and cursing Padalecki, but it was ok.

The words might hurt and the meaning behind them might leave scars, but Jensen had faith and he had hope and when it came right down to it he knew he had Jared. Because no matter how broken Jay was at that moment, Jensen knew he could always depend on the other man. Jared completed him. Jared had made him into a whole person again, and Jensen swore he'd fight until Jay could say the same of him. No matter how long it took or what he had to do to get there.

The End

Read the next step Sidestep: Chad's First Step - Holding Off Temptation