I am sitting looking at a room full of happy people. Wait... let me rephrase that. I am sitting looking at a room full of happy couples. I don't think there is another single person in this whole damn bar. Whatever happened to bars being filled with depressed people trying to drown their sorrows with alcohol? Numbness is my sole purpose in life these days. Did you know that sometimes drunken people are easier to deal with than happy people are? I guess I'm just depressed and was hoping to escape the world of happiness. It looks like I am not going to get that chance though at least not here.

God I'm tired. Everyday I get up and I pretend. I go to work and I pretend. I go out into the ring and I pretend. I see my friends and I pretend. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of smiling. I am tired of laughing and acting like a clown.

I am tired of being alone.

Have you ever been with someone and at the time thought that there just HAD to be someone better out there... even though the one you were with gave you almost everything you thought you just had to have? Then years later after looking and looking you realized that what you thought you wanted you really didn't and that girl you threw away was everything you could possible hope for? No?? You're lucky. I have. That's why I am sitting in the bar alone cursing all the happy people of the world.

I knew this girl. She wasn't beautiful, but she was pretty. She had big chocolate brown eyes and long curly dark brown hair. She wasn't Amazon like... but wasn't short and petite either... instead she fell somewhere in the middle... thinking back I think she was probably just the right height. She was smart... but in many ways naive. She was happy. She loved to laugh and smile and joke around. She was fun.... She was easy to be with. She loved wrestling. In retrospect she was everything I could possible hope to have... but I was just sure that I needed something more... that I deserved something more. How fucking arrogant I was. I was the naive one. Maybe I wasn't the one that could do better but she was. God why does the thought of her with another man just make me wanna break someone in two pieces? Maybe cause I know that if I hadn't been such a fool she would still be mine.

Mr. Intensity has made the big time. I remember watching WWF with her way back when. She'd always tell me, "Baby, you can do that". Every time I step into that ring I think of her. It's like a knife in the gut, but I'm so afraid to let it go. It's all I have left of her. That and a ring she gave me. I take it with me everywhere... even into the ring. I put it in my boot before I go out. I can't stand not having her near. I know it's just an object, but...

She loved me when she gave it to me.

God what I wouldn't give to see her. To touch her and smell her I would do anything. To kiss her and have her let me love her... I would give my soul. Hell I gave it already... she took it with her.

She was devastated I could tell. That look on her face haunts me. The pain I caused her. Jesus, what a monster I am.

I dream of her every night. Those big brown eyes filed with tears. I chase her endlessly following the sound of her cries. I know if I could just find her I could make it alright, but I never do.

The reality is she probably forgot all about me. I can't forget about her. I dream about seeing her again. I imagine all the things I would say... I fantasize that she would fall into my arms telling he how madly she loves me and that she saved herself for me.

Jesus, I love her.

Someday I will die without her.

God. I've had too much to drink. It hasn't even put a dent in the pain... it never does. I need to go back to the hotel. I hope Chuck is sleeping. I can tell that sometimes he wonders what is up with me.

Did I mention that I see her? I think I am losing my mind. She's all over...in the crowd at the arena's, at a restaurant, walking down the street. If only just once it was really her.

Back at the hotel I manage to make it up to the floor my hotel room is on. I really overdid it tonight. As I step out of the elevator and turn towards my room I see a girl standing in front of my door talking to Chuck.

Jesus, I am doing it again. It looks just like her. I stand frozen in place watching the two of them talking quietly. I can't hear anything they are saying. I don't think they have seen me.

She laughed. Oh God, I'm going insane. It sounds just like I remember her laugh. What if I'm dreaming again and it all disappears when I move.

I must have made a sound because they turned towards me. Oh God that smile... It's hers. It can't be. There is no way she is here.

I can't take it anymore. I don't know if it is the alcohol or the weight of all the pain and loneliness, but I can feel the color draining from my face. I can't breath.

Chuck and this mirage run towards me. By the time they reach me I have sunk to the ground... my chest heaving with sobs. Oh God please... I'm sorry. Just bring her back.

Other people are coming out of their rooms to find out what all the noise is. I hear someone talking but can't recognize my own voice. I feel like I'm in a tunnel.

This heavenly image tried to get to me, but someone pushed her out of the way trying to get to me.

Rage pours through me. How dare they touch her! I can't even see that it's Chuck I am hitting. I can feel hands on me... trying to control me... trying to restrain me... but it doesn't work.

Then she's there. She manages to do alone what 6 men couldn't. With one hand on a fist and the other on a chin she stops me.

"Baby, stop, you're hurting Chuck."

Before I can think I've got her in my arms. God she feels so good. She smells so good. I can feel myself hardening... which is quite amazing considering how drunk I am. God I can't let her go. There is no way she is real… but I want her to be so bad.

I can feel hands on me trying to get me to let her go.

Don't they fucking know that is impossible? What the hell is wrong with these people?

Someone is yelling… I don't even realize it's me.

Then she is whispering on my ear.

"It's ok, baby," she says.

God she sounds so real… she feels so real.

I hear her talking to someone quietly. Whoever was yelling has stopped.

I can barely feel hands helping us to my room… I don't know that it's Mark and Mike.

I don't know that CK and Page are half carrying Chuck behind us. I beat him so bad he's mostly out of it.

In the room they point me towards the bed… I still have her in my arms.

I can feel myself falling and hear a loud crack. Someone hit their head… I don't know it's me because I am so numb from the alcohol.

I hear that quiet Angel's voice again talking softly… saying she'll take care of Chuck… saying I'll be asleep soon.

I fight to stay awake and prove them wrong. I fight it desperately.. I know that as soon as I fall asleep my dream will end and she will be gone.

The voice is trying to soothe me… promising she'll be here when I wake, but I know she's lying… She always disappears when I wake up.

I feel my body slipping towards the darkness. I can't feel the tears running down my cheeks as I slip into oblivion. My dream is about to end.

When I open my eyes I feel pain shoot through my head like a bullet. My stomach turns at just the slightest movement.

Chuck is talking to me from the other bed, but I have no clue what he is saying… it's all just a bunch of mush… the words making no sense.

The room is almost totally dark. The only light coming from the lamp by Chuck's bed.

God I must be out of it… Chuck looks like someone beat the living crap out of him. When I get my hands on the fucker he's dead. No one hurts Chuck and gets away with it.

Why is Chuck laughing at me?

Then I remember the dream.

I whip my head around looking for some sign of her, but see nothing. All I've done is make myself sick. I collapse on the bed… I hear Chuck hollering for someone.

He says I am laying in my own vomit.

I'm not though… am I?

It doesn't matter.

I told you she was all a dream.

How long can I go on without her?

I don't think I can any longer.

Then the bathroom door opens… I don't look because I assume it is one of the other Thrillers.

Someone touches me with soft gentle hands. Urging me to sit up. I can't… I know somehow it has to be one of the guys… maybe Mikey… he's the smallest.

Then I hear the voice…

"Sit up baby, let me take care of you."

I look up and there she is.

It wasn't a dream after all.


Read the Sequel My Dream that Lives What happens when Sean wakes up the next morning?