Planet Earth
Northern Hemisphere
North America
United States
North Carolina
Cameron
Caldonia Street
House # 2159
Upper Level
Rear Master bedroom
On the bed
Curled into a ball. That is where I am. Staring at the empty half of my bed. Wondering what I have done. Wondering how I get you back. Behind me, stittin' in the window seat is Jacinda, my girlfriend. I don't even remember she is here though. Sitting there. Staring at me. Even if I knew she was there I wouldn't understand. WHY? Why would she be sitting there watching me. In the middle of the night. Legs pulled up to her chest. Chin rested on her knees. Watching me. She is scared if she goes to sleep she'll wake up and I won't be here. And I'm not talking about at someone else's house. I mean in hell… or purgatory. There ain't no fuckin way that I am going to heaven.

I miss you. My brother my lover my other half. I love you. I even love her. I love you both, but it's you that I don't have. It's you that I'm dying without. And it's me that is the reason you aren't here. In my urge to prove that I was the best Hardy I burned more bridges than I had. Now I lay here alone… except for her. More than once I have questioned why she would leave Paul for me. After all he is The Game! I am just little Matt Hardy with more balls than brains.

It has never occurred to me that she likes my smile and that twinkle in my eyes when I laugh. That she thinks I'm cute when I'd sleepy or that I'm one of the rare people that don't piss her off when I'm drunk. That she hurts when I hurt and she longs to see me happy again. And all the while all I can think about is getting you back. Back from Vince, Back from Raw, Back from Raven. I heard he has taken you under his wing. I hear that you've never looked worse. Always beat up and battered. You always said you wished you had someone who understood your need for pain. Well now you have it baby.

Do you still want it?

Do you still need it?

Do you still hate me?

What would you say if I told you that I learned it?

Sought it?

Loved it?

Would you laugh? Probably. What would you say if I told you that my tutor was her? A woman? I think even you would enjoy her skill. The great Jeff Hardy… if those little girls knew the truth. If they knew that you'd never touch them if you were the last man on earth. What do I do?

It's funny, 'cause all our lives I have always been able to depend on turning around and seeing those big hazel eyes staring up at me with such love and devotion that I ached from the love. Then I went and threw it away. Tossed it in the garbage like the leftovers from last night's dinner that I left on the counter overnight.

Slowly my hands raise to bury themselves painfully in my hair pulling until I can pretend that the tears running down my face are from physical pain not the emotional trauma your leaving me caused.

Are you happy baby?

Does he know how to take care of you when you are sick?

Does he know how to take care of you when you're in pain?

Does he care?

Jacinda says that she saw you the other day when she was visiting Raw. She says that you looked like death warmed over. She said you had every inch of your body covered and the paint you put on your face couldn't hide the marks there. Your hair was unkempt and hadn't been touched up in what looked like months.

What have I done?

What good is private success if I have to turn around and watch you die? How do I tell them that all I want is you back? How do I convince you that what you have is not what you always wanted?

I feel her hands on my back and finally remember her presence. Turning I bury my face in her stomach and sob out my loss for what must seem to her like the millionth time. But I can't help it. The doctor gave me pills… but I hate taking them. All I have left of you is the pain that you pierced me with when you walked out the door… or was it me that walked away?

Everything is such a haze anymore that I can't remember the what and why. But then I don't think it matters. I would sell my soul to get you back. Do I even have a soul left?

I'm dying.

Will anyone miss me?

Will you?

Finally I close my eyes and the exhaustion overtakes me and I am sent into a moment's peace… dreaming you still love me.

Go to Part 2 of 3 of It's You It's Me It's Us