I miss you

From the moment I wake up 'til the same time the next day I miss you. My heart aches, my soul aches, my life aches without you. I try to fathom how I got to this place in time but I can't. I try to remember how I lived before you, but I can't. My life started when you walked into it and my life ended when you walked out. It seems like it wasn't any longer than the beat of a heart that I had you in my life, and it seems like it's been an eternity since you left me.

Seeing you near, laughing with your friends is like a knife in my heart… knowing that you are happy while I am miserable. The long sleeves of my shirt hide the cuts that riddle my arms and body like a confession of my sins. With every drop that I let slip down my arms I dream it's a drop of the misery that fills my soul. Maybe some day I'll bleed enough to be able to live again.

Tonight though I sit here alone, on the bathroom floor, dragging the blade across my flesh watching the crimson river as it flows. Sometimes I wonder… I wonder if someday I'll have to bleed to death for my pain to be quenched. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be better that way. Slipping down I lay resting my cheek on the cool tile of the bathroom floor. I run my arm over the white tile and stare at the pattern the blood made. Tired I let my eyes drift shut and halfheartedly pray that if it never is going to be better that I never wake up.

I wake up in the morning still on the bathroom floor. As I sit up I cry out at the pain that shoots up my arm as I pull it from the floor where the blood had dried and stuck it to the tile. I hear the pounding on my door and groaning get up not bothering to cover myself up. Ain't more than one person that checks on me these days. As I open my door I see Tommy looking back at me with that look on his face that tells me he laid awake again wondering if I was gonna be here still with the living in the morning.

"Yeah, I'm still here," I spit out and turn letting Tommy follow or leave not caring which he chooses. I wish he'd just leave like the rest of them did once I couldn't even pretend to be what they expect me to be anymore. Apparently the bouncy bunny ain't supposed to be sad. But then again, nobody really wants a sad bunny rabbit do they?

As if I was on autopilot I let myself get dressed and follow Tommy out of the room ignoring his protests of my arms needing medical attention. I can see to my own medical needs… seeing a doctor requires an explanation and after all… I do still have a few fans left that think I am good and wholesome. However would they react, the little girls that scream my name everywhere I go, if they knew that I brutalized my own flesh to rid myself of the pain from the loss of my boyfriend? My guess is probably not well.

I close my eyes in the car and feel the pain surge through my body and grasp onto it greedily glad that it has come from something other than my broken heart. At the same time I would trade it in a heartbeat for one happy second with him again… holding him safely within the space of my arms. Doing nothing more than breathing in his scent and committing it to some mental frame where I can pull it down and look at it and experience it all over again.

Too soon Tommy gets me to the arena urging me from the car insisting I can't be late. Why I don't know. What in the world matters if he isn't there? What cares should I have when the one thing I care for more than anything in the world has escaped my grasp? As if walking through hip deep snow I make my way into the arena barely making it on time and receiving many a glare from those that apparently care about such mundane things as promptness.

Not paying them any more attention than I do the turning hands on the clock on my wall at home, I walk off heedless of the lecture I was getting as I walked away leaving Tommy to assure them that he would remind me later. Locked into my private hell I can't think silently that my world could get any worse, and yet every time you say that it does. I should know better. I shouldn't have uttered such a bad thought as that for no sooner did I turn the corner towards the locker rooms than there was my worst nightmare standing in the middle of the hall.

His face turned up he looked like an angel. Eyes smiling to match the grin on his face. His entire aura exuded happiness as he stared up at the brown eyes of his lover. His pale white hands running over the darker brown flesh of his new love who held the same happy look about him. I can feel Tommy tugging at me urging me to move, but I am rooted to the spot as surely as a tree that had stood for a hundred years.

That Hollywood smile slipped from his lips as something much more real and passionate made its way to them. I could tell you've seen this look before as you softened easing into him as your bodies melted together perfectly. Slowly his head lowered until it hovered just above yours and I could see his lips move throwing the last bit of dirt onto my grave as he whispered, "I love you." Your eyes drift shut and your lips part to welcome him and as they finally touch your arms snake around to clasp the back of his neck.

He seems to dwarf you, but you seem to like it as I can feel your happiness and contentment. Never in your life have you been this happy. I can see that, feel that and shutting my eyes I pray for what I innocently labeled as pain to return and take this… feeling from my body. Taking off on a run I ignore Tommy's shouts and his warning seems to catch the two of you just in time as you part just before I can run right into you. As it is I catch him off balance and send him crashing to the floor. I don't turn to see the look of surprise on your face or the anger then pity it becomes. Pity, I don't need your PITY! I'm not sure what I need now except that I don't think I will ever find it.

Blindly I crash into a dressing room not pausing to look and see whose it is. As I stumble through I slip and land face first onto the floor, the thin rug no comfort to me. Curling into a ball I feel the sobs rip through my body and my fingernails claw at my body wanting to rip myself to shreds sure that it alone can make all this go away. I can't hear the door opening or see the people rushing in. I don't know that the occupant of the room has thrown all out but Tommy, cursing you and him asking if they haven't already done enough damage to my soul.

As I lay there I feel myself being picked up and cradled within strong arms rocked like a babe. Instinctively I curl into the warmth not knowing or caring whom it is just wanting more of whatever it is I have come across with such blind luck. I feel lips on my temples kissing them as a mother would her child as she tried to take away his pain and my arms raise to sneak around the neck they find clinging desperately sure that this comfort will be taken from me. As my sobs calm and my tears dry my senses come back to the present. Turning and sniffling I blink, seeing Tommy watching me from his position leaning against the door. Numbly I let the presence I am within continue its healing mission still not caring who it is just thankful that someone cared.

After several long moments though the body I am resting against shifts and I feel the head above me move trying to look upon my face. "You ok now ba… kid?" I hear a Texas drawl ask and turning, I lift my red and aching hazel eyes to see a pair of blue ones staring back at me concerned. My mouth opens to ask what, why, how but before it can utter a word a big hand raises to brush hair out of my face tenderly and in that second my whole world changes. Needing desperately to test these new waters I nod and move around to kneel in between the meaty thighs of my Lancelot then lean forward slowly waiting for him to stop me.

As I hover just centimeters from my goal looking into his eyes moving from concerned to sparkling and onto something I usually don't like labeling, I wonder when this happened and how. Before I can focus on the though my knight crosses that tiny space and robs my brain of all function. I always thought of Texas as dry, hot, boring. But the kiss that is laid upon me by my Texan knight is anything but dry and boring. Hands raise to grasp my hair like a handhold and my body crackles like a firecracker as my mouth experiences something I didn't know possible.

I was right about one thing, hot… Texas is definitely hot. Hot and spicy and earth shattering , heart healing and soul mending. All of those are right and yet none of them come close to the passion laid upon me. A tiny moan escapes my lips and I shiver at its sound not remembering the last time someone affected me so. The hands move down my body clutching and ripping at fabric as mine does the same to him. Needing only to feel his flesh touching mine knowing without knowing how that here I have found my life… my true life… my forever.

As he removes my shirt I hear him cluck over the self inflicted wounds littering my body but fortunately he moves on not pausing to lecture or judge just pushing forward with his heat and healing. I arch my chest into his touch as his lips roam over my body, his hands tugging at the sweat pants I threw on so carelessly. When his hands touch my bare buttocks having pushed the irritating fabric to my ankles, I gasp and don't question as I lift my hips seeking more.

Somehow he knows without asking what I want, what I need, what I crave and doesn't stop for flowery foreplay instead burning his way through my soul ridding it of all signs of scorpions and superheroes. It is now his turn to kneel in between my legs as his shorts are pushed down to pool around his knees and my legs come up off the floor of their own will wrapping around his waist.

Without a single spoken word he thrusts into me dragging a cry from my lips sounding of pain. He, I and even Tommy, who is welded to his spot at the door, know it is anything but negative pain. We all know it is that kind that makes your adrenaline rush and your heart race, leaving you craving more when it is all over, making you know that if you spend a lifetime you will never get enough. Without pausing he races on engulfing me in his inferno dragging me back to life and as sweat covers my body I know I will live again. His big hand wraps around me, stroking, pulling me back to the light and his rod pumps at me daring me to protest, begging me to plead for more… and like the good southern boy I am, I do.

The end comes in a blinding ball of fire as I scream a warrior's cry and the grin spreads across his face as he throws back his head and howls his own joy. Without strength his body crashes forward and easily my eyes lift to watch him and in that second we have again progressed to another level taking us yet again deeper within this thing we are building. I hear the door crash against the wall and a giggle escapes my lips and his. The sparkle returns to both of our eyes and soon the room is filled with joyous laughter and there in that second I become happy again.

An impish grin spreads his cheeks and that drawl I have already grown to love reaches out and strokes my senses. "I guess Tommy had somewhere to go huh?" Again I giggle as he stands and pulls me up to rest within the safety of his arms. Sighing happily I put my head on his shoulder and feel him again kiss my temples. Smiling I think to myself that I could grow to love that then giggle realizing I already do. Somewhere in the back of my soul resides a memory of the superhero that I thought was my forever haven, but no more does it hurt me for I realize that we were not meant for each other.

I am too hot like the Texas heat that my new lover is so fond of and he is too gentle and fragile like the soft lapping of the waters against the Carolina shores. Together we are nothing but pain and anguish, but as friends maybe there is a chance… after all we have known each other since the beginning of time. If you throw in the joy we found in our new lovers… I would say we have a fighting chance. Maybe not today or even tomorrow, but definitely a tomorrow in the future. Someday maybe… just maybe snakes and scorpions could even mingle peacefully on those Carolina shores. Suddenly anything is possible after all… right?

The End