Chapter One



Angel City was big, far bigger than San Antonio and The River City was pretty fucking big. Not that the size of the place really mattered, but Jared like the anonymity that came with being surrounded by people, lots of people, people that didn't know him, had in fact never heard of him. It was scary and creepy and made him feel all alone, but at least he got away from the pity and the looks.

In the last year, living back home, seeing the same people every day, he'd been crawling out of his skin and trying so hard not to show it. Putting on his sunniest smiles, using his deepest accent, being all Texas charm and openness in a way that he resented, because everyone knew he wasn't really being open with anything. Everyone back home knew what he was hiding and he'd had enough of that. He was making a clean start, creating himself from the bottom up in this unfamiliar city, surrounded by people he didn't know.

Of course some things hadn't really changed, even halfway across the fucking continent, his parents could be annoying and overbearing, but he played along to make them happy and who knew, maybe he would fall apart immediately if he didn't have to spill his heart out to an authority figure at least once a week, or as of now, every day. At least the new guy wasn't a therapist, but a counsellor, which made Jared feel a little bit better about the whole thing.

He couldn't escape the fact that there would be one more person in on the secret though and that thought just made him angry. Another person to tell him he was scarred for life and that he couldn't possibly be feeling what he was feeling and that six months of Hell had warped him for the rest of his life. He was sick of being told what to feel and offered pills to keep the pain away. Hell was a part of him now, would always be, but he was tired of wallowing in it.

Angel City University was huge, sprawled over acres and acres of buildings, parks, ponds, tracks and fields. The sheer size of it was daunting and Jared felt like he'd been swallowed by anonymity and puked into a labyrinth. He had gotten a map with his room, but the map in itself was confusing enough when you hardly knew left from right anymore.

Luckily, it turned out that the admin building wasn't too far from his dorm and soon he was sitting in a chair outside the door of Jeffrey Dean Morgan's office. An 'in session' sign hung on the door, so Jared had taken a seat, taking the opportunity to study the map closer. He wasn't in the best of moods, seeing as he hadn't even unpacked yet, but was already parked outside of the office of the next person to turn his brain inside out.

Jeffrey didn't keep him waiting for too long, Jared hadn't even had time to figure out where the closest cafeteria was when the busy sign stopped glowing and the door to the office opened. A harried look girl came out, clutching a stack of books to her chest, but she gave him a brief smile as she passed by and Jared felt all the better for it.

She left the door open as she left and it only took a minute for a head to poke out, looking around.

"Jared Paladecki?" The man asked with a smile.

"Yeah," Jared answered and refolded the map without answering the smile. He wasn't really in the mood to play nice.

"Come on in," the man said, still smiling. "I'm Jeffrey."

Jared bit back his: I figured, and managed a half hearted smile as he got up.

"You're tall," Jeffrey said, sticking his hand out.

Jared grabbed and shook it, quite impressed by the strong grip and the calloused palm meeting his. So far, all the therapists he'd met had had limp, floppy shakes; their hands all desk smooth and pale. Jeffrey's grip conveyed confidence and strength; he had the hands of a working man, not a paper pusher.

"So Jared… Can I call you Jared?"

"Yeah," Jared said, looking around the room that Jeffrey had guided him into. It didn't look like a therapist's office, but then Jeffrey wasn't really a therapist.

It was nice in a way, to not have a shrink leaf through his brain for once, but it was also scary. Because with shrinks, Jared knew where he stood; he could handle them. A counsellor was something else and Jared wasn't sure what this would be all about. He was fairly sure Jeffrey had read his file, that ought to be thicker than the bible by now, and if he hadn't gotten all of it, then googling Jared's name would, bring up a million hits.

"Take a seat," Jeffrey said, perching himself on the edge of his messy desk.

Gingerly, Jared took a seat in one of the armchairs facing the desk, still darting glances all around the room. Several framed diplomas were on the wall, along with a variety of post cards, paintings and nick-knacks. Huge windows faced out over the park backed up against the house and the room had a comfortable, lived in feeling.

Jared found he didn't trust it, or the man facing him from the desk. Jeffrey just looked too nice, handsome even, with soft brown/green eyes and dark hair. A bit of a stubble had crept onto his chin and he was casually dressed in a long sleeved shirt and jeans.

"So, Jared," Jeffrey said. "Want to tell me what you're doing here?"

Jared started and gave him an unsure look. "I thought you knew why I'm here," he said.

"I read your file if that's what you're asking, but I meant… Why here in Angel City?"

"It's big," Jared said.

Jeffrey smiled. "Most people moving here find that daunting."

"Not me… I just want to… go unnoticed."

Jeffrey nodded. "Your name might raise a few eyebrows," he said. "I half expected you to have changed it."

"I want to go unnoticed, not hide," Jared said curtly.

He got up from the chair in a sudden rush of jittery energy, moving to stand in front of the window, looking out over the park. He'd thought of changing his name before coming here, to become someone else entirely, but Jared Padalecki wasn't a skin he could shed. Under any other name, he'd still be the same person and this was not about self delusion, but about rebuilding himself.

"It's just…" Jared started, but he cut himself off. He wasn't sure how open he wanted to be with this guy. He didn't trust him yet, but he didn't distrust him either and that said something about the man's likeability.

"Yes," Jeffrey prodded.

"It's just that back home, I can never be anyone other than that kid on the six o'clock news. They don't do it intentionally, but… they won't let me move on." Jared winced and stared determinedly out the window. He hated talking badly about his parents, because he knew that everything they had done, they had done out of love and concern for him.

"I understand," Jeffrey said and like that, the anger was back.

Jared spun around, his eyes drilling holes into Jeffrey's face. "How could you possibly understand?" He asked through clenched teeth. "How could anyone?"

Jeffrey didn't flinch and his gaze was steady and level as it met Jared's. "I'm not saying that I understand your situation, or what you've gone through, but I do understand that you want to stand on your own two feet," Jeffrey said calmly. "And I understand that your family, even if they mean well, have been holding you back."

Jared clenched his teeth, breaking their eye contact. "You know… about a year back, I came out to my family. I hadn't met anyone… I just wanted it out in the open. One hour later, I was in an emergency meeting with my therapist and they all agreed that I'm not actually gay. That my… experiences… have warped my conception of love and sexuality."

"Have they?" Jeffrey asked.

"No, I mean… I don't know." Jared laughed bitterly. "I've known about me being gay for years and I never doubted it or questioned it. Sure, I was freaked out when I realized that girls didn't do anything for me and it took me quite a while to come to terms with it and accept it as a part of my personality, but I never once connected it to what happened to me."

He glanced up to gauge the look on Jeffrey's face, but the counsellor didn't look surprised, or disgusted. He wore the same neutral expression he'd had on his face the entire time.

"So what happened?" Jeffrey asked when Jared didn't volunteer any more information.

"They made me question myself and my sexuality. Made me feel like a freak for feeling the way I did, like it was sick or perverted." Jared sighed looking up again.

"Do you still feel that way?"

Jared shrugged. "On a bad day… Yeah."

Jeffrey nodded. "Being gay is not something to be ashamed of and I highly doubt it has anything to do with what you went through. In fact, I would find the opposite a whole lot more likely."

Jared smiled a little. "Yeah, I suppose."

This whole conversation was not going in the direction he would have expected, but it was nice. In a way, Jared had wanted to bring up the whole touchy subject of his sexuality just to hear someone else's point of view and he'd never dared talk about his parents with his old therapist. He'd had too much contact with Jared's parents over the years for Jared to fully trust him. Doctor patient confidentiality had never seemed that important to him.

Relaxing a little in the face of Jeffrey's easy attitude, Jared sat back down on the chair he'd abandoned earlier, looking up at the man that was supposed to guide his fragile psyche through the next few years. It might be a bit early to say for sure, but Jared had a feeling he'd end up liking him. Jeffrey was everything Dr Elding hadn't been and that was enough for him to earn Jared's respect. This was the first time in years of therapy where no one had put words into his mouth, or feelings into his chest.

Jeffrey had let him speak for himself without poking or judging and Jared appreciated that. It didn't feel like the counsellor had his own agenda, or an opinion he was going to mould Jared around, which made him a far sight better than Dr Elding.

Read Chapter Two of Twelve of Jeyhawk's Settling Into Now