Up and down that lonely road of faith
I have been there
Unprepared for the storms and the tides that rise
I've realized one thing, how much I love you
And it hurts to see, to see you cryin'
I believe we can make it through the winds of change

God is great indeed
If you believe, in the ever life
Yeah we gotta
Make some sense of the pieces that we find
And if you just hold on, I won't let ya fall
We can make it through the storms and the winds of change

Though I walk through the valley of darkness
I am not afraid
Cause I know I'm not alone

And if the wind blows east, would you follow me
And if the wind blows north, would ya stay your course
And if the wind blows west, would ya second guess
And if it blows to the south, would you count me out
And if the sun don't shine, would you still be mine
And if the sky turns gray, would you walk away
Would you say I do, if I say I'll be
And walk this road through life with me
You know I love you

On this lonely road of faith

51 days. That's how long it has been since I saw him for the first time in…god, I can't even remember. That's not true. I remember it exactly. It was January. The sun was shining but the day was cold, as it tends to be that time of year. We were in Connecticut. It was my last match against Jeff…my last match for the company. Not that I minded leaving them, for my character had taken on a certain…air that I was uncomfortable showing the world.

At that moment, I didn't mind leaving Jeff either. There was something happening with him, something that made me both exhilarated and frightened at the same time. He has that effect on people. People may joke about the Raven Effect - the persona it entails, not the actual move, mind you - but it was nothing compared to the…what was it Jeffrey calls it…Jeffervescence?

Will Rogers once said he never met a man he didn't like. I couldn't say the same. My quote would be the polar opposite - I never met a man I loved. That is, until I met Jeffrey. And on that day, as we locked up in the ring, I realized that I had to run - far and fast - to save myself. Redemption, salvation - these words had new meaning. I knew that if there were anyone who could save me, it would be him. The problem was, I did not want to be saved. In that twisted little part of my brain that was Raven, I found nothing wrong with myself and the things I represented. I was evil incarnate, a bundle of mass confusion and mastery, the lowly, contemptuous bastard that had ruined countless others in my journey of self-destruction.

The laundry list read like a hardcore who's who - Justin Credible, Tommy Dreamer, Stevie Richards, Sandman. And in the midst of all that, the bright, shining star that could have been, should have been my salvation, was a bouncy, moody, enigmatic bundle of extremes. But, as usual, I walked away without telling him what he meant to me. I left without a word, without a sound. I didn't even wave goodbye, or acknowledge the questions he asked as I walked out of that arena for the last time. I just got into my car and drove away. Fortunately, no one saw the tears that blurred my vision for the first 200 miles of my trip home.

And so began my new independent career. Independent. God, how I hate that concept. Despite what others may think, or few may tell you, I am not a loner. I do play very well with others, given the right playmate. The problem was, I had never had the luxury of finding said playmate, until then. And I walked away, afraid of my own feelings and emotions. For 187 days, I hid, withdrew into myself and refused to admit that I was…lonely.

I had continued to watch him on Raw every week, until he "parted ways" with the company. My mind ran rampant, wondering what incident had triggered this parting, but deep down inside, I knew. They were idiots. They didn't know how to utilize his talent - never had. Even when he was teamed with Matt, his own brother didn't realize the potential he had. My mind would wander to a conversation I had once with Shane. He said that in all the years he had known Jeffrey, he had never seen him shine the way he did when we were in the ring together.

I remember laughing at that comment, wondering how else I could make Jeffrey shine, but I never said a word. I sat back, observing every move he made, every word he spoke, every note he played on his battered guitar, and I fell in love. I never said a word. I never told him, in all the time we spent together, that I had any feelings whatsoever for him. That would have been totally out of character for me. Love was not an emotion one equated with the great and mysterious Raven.

And yet, in the midst of it all, I felt the shift in the universe with every look from him, every touch, every syllable that drawled out of his mouth. And so I ran. I ran as far away as I could, from him and everything he represented. Goodness. Light. Happiness. Salvation. I thought if I left, it would…go away. I would realize that it was nothing more than an infatuation. But, as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And the more time I spent trying to deny it, the more my heart betrayed me, longing for him.

The rational, logical side of my brain berated me on a daily basis. How could you possibly be in love with someone you've never kissed, someone you've never really touched? How can you be in love with someone simply because of their charm and beauty and mystique? How? I couldn't answer any of these questions, so I decided it wasn't logical. Then I realized that logic had nothing to do with love. Logic was a theory; love an ideal. Logic was wrapping yourself in a cocoon, never allowing anyone or anything to penetrate, never allowing the pain to enter.

Love was pain and joy and tears and happiness and anticipation. Love was…something I had never known. But, love was something I slowly realized that I had craved desperately for my entire life. And love was what I sought on the day I agreed to make an appearance for Ring of Honor. When I found out that Jeffrey would be there, I decided that the time had come to face my fear, and him, and see what would happen.

The last time I had seen him on television, he looked like a shell of himself. His hair was too stringy, his color too pale, his body too thin, his eyes too…lifeless. But when he entered the arena that night, he looked more like his old self. He was still too skinny, but there was a fire in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Joey was with him, walking beside him, hanging on every word Jeffrey was saying. When he saw me, he smiled, and for a moment, I allowed myself to think that it was for me.

I don't make it a habit to watch other matches when I'm doing a show, especially if it's someone I have seen work before. Normally, I would be preparing myself for my own match, but I was glued to the curtain that night, watching every move he made in the ring. For a brief moment, I watched as he defied gravity, his sleek body flying across the ring and landing with a precision known only to the greatest of artists. And I felt a twinge of longing take over me, and I knew then that I had to do something.

After my match, I waited. Okay, so it was more like I hid, but I was still watching for him. I was about to do something that I had never done in my life. I was going to open myself up for someone, lay everything I believed in on the line, and face rejection. God, I had lost my mind, hadn't I? He has barely said three words to me the entire evening, and I was about to bare my soul to him. When he passed by the corner I had chosen to conceal my presence in, he was still talking animatedly with Joey, going over their match.

I was about to step out of the shadows and speak to him when they stopped. Jeff looked around quickly, then he kissed Joey softly before turning back to the door and leaving. I have never before known what people meant when they talked about their whole world shattering down around them, but I knew then. I had lost my chance. I had blown it, several times. I was alone and probably always would be. That's what I get for thinking. And so I resigned myself to the fact.

And now I sit here, brooding as usual, counting the bottle caps in front of me. I have downed a half dozen beers. Aaah, beer. Nectar of the redneck gods. No wonder it does nothing for me. I make the decision to abandon this quest for numbness as a familiar figure walks through the door to the bar. Joey is there, all his youthful exuberance filling the room. I look behind him, waiting to see Jeffrey, but he is alone.

I sighed deeply, rising up to leave. Being alone in my room was far better than being alone here, knowing that eventually, I would have to watch the two of them together. Lost in my own world, I made my way back to my room. Standing in the doorway, I realized it was the epitome of my life - harsh, stark, empty. I shed my clothes, put on my glasses and settled down to read. In the distance, I could hear the sounds of a party coming from one of the other rooms; and, almost as if it were whispering to me, I could hear the melodic sounds of a guitar, playing a sad song. What a perfect accompaniment.

I must have drifted off, dreaming of rainbows and flying cross-body slams, because the next thing I remember is the sound of someone seriously abusing the ice machine in the hallway outside my door. Quite a contrast from the music that lulled me to sleep. I got up and went to the door, opening it up and peering into the hallway. Standing there in nothing but boxers and a pair of hiking boots, Jeff was banging the door of the ice machine down over and over.

I chuckled softly, then called out to him. "I don't know what that thing did to you," I said, causing him to turn and stare at me. "But I'm sure the punishment is far more harsh than the crime." He smiled and I felt a shiver of warmth go through me. "SCOTTY!" The word was barely out of his mouth before he was grabbing me, almost knocking both of us to the floor. I smiled, probably the first genuine smile I've had in years. Jeff stepped back and looked at me. "I thought you was mad at me or somethin'." That soft Southern drawl warmed me more than any fire ever could.

"Why would you think that?" I remember the old adage of never asking a question unless you truly want an answer, but it was too late. I had laid myself open to rejection or heartbreak at the very least. He shifted nervously, avoiding my face as he replied, "you left and didn't even say bye or nothin'. I didn't know you was goin' way forever." He looked up at me, and the pain in his eyes made me want to kill someone. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes. "I was sad for a long time. I thought we was friends or…"

Or? Or what? My mind screamed out, wanting to know what could follow that one word. The quizzical look on my face must have embarrassed him, because he started to blush. "I just thought we was friends, that's all. Friends don't leave like that." I nodded, unable to speak for the moment. Friends…that was a start, wasn't it? "We were…are friends, Jeffrey," I tell him. "I've just never been one for long goodbyes." I've never been one for long anythings, except the stretch of loneliness I live.

He nods, smiling. "I understand, Scotty," he said softly. "I don't like sayin' bye either. 'Specially if I ain't gonna see somebody for a long time." I look at him, hearing something in his voice, yet not being able to place it. There was sadness, yes, but there was something else. Or was that just wishful thinking? "So, how have you been?" I ask, to break the silence lingering between us.

"Okay, I guess," he said. "I get to sleep in lots more now. And I ain't gotta worry 'bout bein' late anywhere. 'Cept for when I gotta go to the doctor or somethin' like that." I remember those days…trying my best to get him to the arena on time, or to get him out of bed so we didn't miss a flight. I grumbled about that then, but realized how much I missed it. There were so many things I wanted to know, so many questions to ask. And there was something I wanted to tell him, but I knew it was no longer my place. I lost that right when I walked out of that arena 6 months ago without saying a word to him.

I noticed the moisture building in my eyes, and I forced myself to think about something completely neutral. I had never in my life allowed anyone to see me cry, and I was not about to start now. I wanted to take him in my arms and tell him how much I had missed him, how often I thought about him. I looked down at my watch and saw that it was 3 a.m. I looked over at his door, still slightly ajar, and noticed the room was very bright… and very empty.

"Where's Joe?" I asked, trying my best to sound nonchalant. Jeff shrugged. "In his room, I guess," he said. "Didya wanna say hi to him?" I shook my head, trying to clear the confusion. His room? Why would anyone want a room of their own if they could share one with this lovely creature? "Not that it's any of my business," I say, watching his face closely, "but why isn't Joey rooming with you?" His head cocked to one side, his hair brushing against his neck. "Why would Joey and me be sharin' a room?" he asked.

I caught myself as I started to open my mouth and say something really stupid, another of those things I tried my best to avoid. He must have realized what I was thinking, because Jeff started giggling, his eyes twinkling like the stars. "Didya think me and Joe was together?" he asked. I felt the flame of my cheeks as I nodded. "Aww, Scotty!" he exclaimed. "You're blushin'!" I rolled my eyes. "Why ya doin' that?" I began to stammer, not sure if I wanted to voice my reasons just yet.

He's chewing on his bottom lip in that way I always found excitingly adorable. I'm sure if anyone had entered the hallway right now, they would have had good reason to laugh. Raven, the purported nastiest bastard to ever breathe air, blushing like a schoolgirl; and the extreme Jeff Hardy, looking scared to death. What a sight we must have made. After a moment, he looked up at me and shyly took my hand. "Can I tell ya somethin', Scotty?" he asked quietly.

I nodded and he took a deep breath. The words came pouring out of him like rain, rapid-fire and running together. "I always wanted to tell ya this but I never got the guts to do it and then when I 'cided I was gonna tell you, you was gone and I made up my mind then that if'n I ever saw ya again I was just gonna come right out and tell ya that I think I love you." He immediately hung his head as if he expected me to hit him or something.

I shook my head once…twice…three times, just to make sure I had heard what I thought I heard, and that it was not my evil, twisted mind playing some cruel joke on me. The last five words kept repeating themselves in my mind - I think I love you. I think I love you. I think I love you. His head dropped even lower and I realized I hadn't said anything. He probably thought…hell, the worst you can think of someone when you profess your love and they don't respond.

I put my hand under his chin and raised his head, searching his eyes. Slowly he blinked at me, then watched, the anticipation probably killing him. "You ain't mad at me, is ya?" I laughed softly, tracing the tears on his cheeks that had somehow started to fall. Leaning down, I did the thing I had dreamed about for so long. I kissed him. He squealed, he giggled and then he jumped up, wrapping his legs around my waist and his arms around my neck, covering my face in tiny wet kisses. I couldn't help but laugh.

Moving carefully, I walked into my room and placed him on my bed before returning to his room and grabbing his bag and key. I cannot remember a time in my life when I have ever moved that fast. I closed his door, walked back into my room and kicked the door closed, dropping his things in a heap on the floor. His long, lean arms reached out for me and I did what I had longed to do for as long as I can recall - I lay next to him, holding him tight, and let my hands roam over his taut, hot, lean flesh.

I had no idea what we were going to do. I had no idea where we were going to go from here. I went over the list on my head, the what ifs and maybes. And, for the first time in my life, I decided to something totally out of character for the great Raven. I turned off my brain and let my heart lead me. We had a long road ahead of us, but it wasn't nearly as long as the one I just left. And now, I didn't have to walk that road alone.

Read the sequel That's Why I'm Here