I never ask you where your goin',I never ask you where you've been
I've never called and checked your story,when you stayed out with all your friends
I've never tried to catch you lyin',I didn't want to know the truth
I'd rather go on lovin' blind than go on lovin' without you
I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then
I wish I could start this whole thing over again
I'm not sayin' that you could never be true
I just don't wanna know how it ends
You'd still have my heart in the palm of your hands
I'd still look like a fool in front of your friends
Yeah, I wish somehow I didn't know now what I didn't know then
I've always said what I don't know couldn't hurt as bad as leavin' you
Turns out I knew what I was thinkin', it ain't an easy thing to do,
Well I guess I should be goin' - I sure found out too much to stay,
Please don't say your sorry - I might wait another day
I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then
I wish I could start this whole thing over again
I'm not sayin' that you,
You could never be true
I just don't wanna know how it ends
You'd still have my heart in the palm of your hands
I'd still look like a fool in front of your friends
Yeah, I wish somehow I didn't know now what I didn't know then



I did not hear what I think I just heard. God, tell me I didn't! Okay, I must have misunderstood, misheard, misinterpreted. That has to be it, right? Because I know I did not just hear my husband saying he was in love with someone else. Who is he talking to on the phone? Shane? Jeff? Who the hell could it be?

I was going out to run errands, forgot my grocery list. I came through the back door to get it and he's on the phone, talking about how is he gonna tell me he loves someone else? I'll kill the bitch, whoever she is! I guess I musta dropped my purse when I heard him, cuz the next thing I know, he's standing in the kitchen door, looking at me.

"You ok?" he asked me. I nod, hold up the list and watch him smile at me. He knows how forgetful I am. He kissed my cheek and I practically run out the door, afraid of what I might say or do. I get in the car and drive away. What am I going to do? Wasn't I good enough for him? What can she do for him that I can't?

I don't know how I did everything I had planned. I don't remember going to the bank or the post office. I don't remember the grocery store or the pharmacy. Not until I get home and start putting things away. There's a note on the counter from him. "Went to work out with Shane. Home later." He signed it as he always did - "love, Matt." What a joke!

He'd been working out a lot lately. I thought he was just trying to regain his strength after the accident. Now, I wasn't so sure. I put away the food I had bought, including his favorite ice cream. I wanted to open it, spit in it and put it back in the freezer. Get ahold of yourself, girl! I can't believe I'm acting like such a child. A child. I cry as I take the home pregnancy test from the bag and head for the bathroom.

I have given this man everything I had for the last three years. We just celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I may or may not be pregnant with his child. Wait. Plus sign. Shit. Fuck. I nursed him back from an injury that could have killed him, only to want to do the job myself.

I wonder who else knows. I think for a moment, then pick up the phone. I hit redial and hear Shane's voice on the answering machine. I hang up without leaving a message. I stand in the living room, tapping the phone on my chin before dialing another number. A familiar voice answers and I ask Jeff if he has a minute. How do I do this? Do I come right out and ask him or do I hint around and hope he knows what I'm asking?

In my grief and anger, I forget who I'm talking to and take a subtle approach. After 15 frustrating minutes, I finally just come out and ask Jeff is Matt is cheating on me. He hems and haws, stutters then asks if I've lost my mind. Maybe I have. Maybe the hormones have affected my judgment. I hang up and decide to just ask Matt about it when he comes home.

I guess I fell asleep on the couch waiting for him. I wake up to the sound of his voice coming from the bedroom. He's on the phone again. I hear him say something about the pregnancy test. Damn, I was going to hide that before he came in! Too late now, I reason. He sounds agitated. I'm just going to sit here and wait for him to get off the phone, then we can talk.

His voice is a little louder now. For a minute, I think he's talking to me, because I hear him saying he's sorry. I start to go to him when I hear him say something about not wanting to leave her bed. That's exactly what he said. "I know, baby. I wish I'd never left your bed this afternoon." I have no idea who this bitch is, but she is so dead. And he's not far behind.

I'm standing there, shaking, when he walks into the living room. He took one look at my face and dropped the phone. After he picked it up, he walked over and put his arms out. He was smiling at me. SMILING! The bastard was just on the phone, talking to someone he obviously screwed that afternoon and now he wants to hug me? I do the only thing I can think of in that moment.

"Fuck you." He looks confused. Yeah, join the club, buddy. He asks what's wrong and I let loose. I yell. I scream. I think I even hit him. Then I told him that I didn't know who the hell his bitch was, but if I ever saw her, I would run her down, then come after him. I went on and on about how I had done everything I knew how to do for him, but that it obviously wasn't enough.

He tried to protest, to tell me he didn't know what I was talking about, that I was wrong. I spit on him. I told him I hated him. I told him I never wanted to see him again. Then I told him I was leaving. He tried to stop me, but I left anyway. Now I'm driving around, trying to figure out what I'm going to do. My phone is ringing and I know it's him. I throw it out the window.

I drive for what seems like hours, trying to get as far away from Matt as I can. I check into a motel in Raleigh and throw myself on the bed and cry. It's funny how things can change in an instant. How one minute life is wonderful, and the next minute you find out that all the hopes and dreams you had weren't real. That love wasn't real. They say that ignorance is bliss. As I wonder what I'm going to do, I long for the days when I was perfectly happy.

Read story #5 Does He Love You?