Why do I do this to him…to me? Why can't he be enough for me? I know that I should leave, or let him leave, or stop doing what I do, but I just can't seem to. Ever since the split, ever since we had to be apart all the time, I just can't seem to help myself. There's always someone there, waiting to comfort me, to ease my pain. To fill my bed. But they could never do what he does…they could never fill my heart, my soul. I tell him that I love him, and he tells me that he worships me. I believe him. He tells me that I am the most wonderful person he's ever known. I don't believe him. I tell him that there is no other that could compare to him. He believes me. What I can't tell him, though, is that when I'm on the road, I'm not alone. There hasn't been a night that someone hasn't ended up in my room, for an hour or all night long. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his complete and total devotion to me. I've heard him on the phone, when I call him from another nameless hotel, heard the tears in his voice, the way his breath catches when he tells me he misses me. And I reassure him that we'll be together again in a few days, weeks, however long it will be. And I tell him I love him, and that I'll be thinking of him. Then I hang up the phone and turn to whoever is lying next to me. But, I haven't lied to him, not really. Because as I lose myself in the hot flesh next to me, I am thinking of him. But, it's never enough to stop me from doing what I do.

Until now. Until tonight, when I opened the door, halfway dressed, the lanky naked blonde in my bed telling me to hurry up, that he wanted me. And when I opened the door and saw him standing there, I knew my world was about to crumble down around me. The hurt in his eyes, the shock, the pain…it broke my heart. Just as I had been doing to him, all this time. He dropped the rose he was holding, looked at me with tears in his eyes. I couldn't think of a thing to say. He muttered one word: "surprise." Then he turned and walked away. Everything in me, every fiber of my being was telling me to follow him, bring him back, explain to him that it meant nothing to me. But I couldn't. I went back inside my room and told Jay to get out. He dressed quickly and left. I was alone. As I should be. I didn't deserve love. I didn't deserve worship. I didn't deserve him.

But, I got dressed and went to find him anyway. He was in the lobby, sitting in a leather chair, head down. His shoulders were shaking, the way they always do when he cries. I approached him slowly, not sure what he would do or say. When he looked up at me, I saw the pain still fresh in his eyes. He stood up, face to face, nose to nose, and searched my face for answers. He asked one question. "Why?"

What could I say? I could tell him that it was a mistake, that it would never happen again. "Because I'm an asshole," I say. As if that would make it alright. He took my hand and led me to the elevator, back up to my room. After the door closed, he punched my, right in the nose. I didn't defend myself, didn't make a sound. I deserved that, and so much more. He punched me again, this one landing square on my chest. And I stood there, taking every blow, knowing that it would never make up for all the things I have done to him. And he just kept repeating that one word: "why".

I watched as all his energy drained from his body, and he stopped and looked at the tears streaming down my face, a silent waterfall of shame. I take him in my arms and hold him close. He struggled at first, then relaxed into me when he found he had no strength, no will to fight. "Why?" His voice was a mere whisper. I shook my head. "I don't know," I say. "Wasn't I good enough?" he asks. "Yes, you were," I answered. "But I wasn't." He looked me in the eye and said the only thing he could at that moment. "Bullshit." I look back at him and wonder what he means. "That's just a fucking excuse," he said, the anger renewed. "You're stronger than me, stronger than that. I don't know why you have to sleep around. I don't even care why. All I care about is you, and how you make me feel. I love you. I adore you. You're everything in this world to me. But, if I can't be the same for you, then I guess I'll just have to try harder. If I'm not enough, then I'll make myself enough. But you ain't getting rid of me that easily, you big dumb son of a bitch."

When I realize what he's just said, I stop dead in my tracks and look down into his tear-stained eyes. I realize how stupid I am, how much of a bastard I've been. I can't promise him I'll never do it again, because we both know that would be a lie. And I can't promise him that I can love him the way he loves me, but I can damn sure try. Maybe his image of me is a little tarnished at the moment, but I'm going to do everything in my power to make it shine again.

As I take him into my arms, I feel him tense a little and know I deserve that. I have to earn his trust once again. I don't know what I did to deserve him. I don't know how I could live without him. I don't want to find out. I tell him this, tell him that I'm sorry, that I don't want to hurt him ever again. I ask for forgiveness and he smiles. "This time," he says. "But never again. Okay?" "I love you, Jeff," I say, and hope he believes me. And when he kisses me, then whispers "I love you, Paul", I know he means it. My only question is…..why?

~WHY - by Soil~
You gotta believe me
You cannot deceive me
You gotta be everything I ever wanted
Will you stand by me
See what I see
Will you be every little thing to me
Will you...See my
One life's...So righteous
When I...Feel my
True life's...So worthless
WHY…Why do I feel this way
You could never ask of me
You cannot count on me
You couldn't ever once rely on me
Still you stand by me
Stand what's in me
Can you feel every little thing to me
WHY…Why do I feel this way
WHY…Why cant I speak my mind
Can you hear my words
Can you feel me breathing
Can you tell I'm dying
WHY…Everybody falls gotta keep on climbing
WHY…Do I feel this
WHY…Gotta be my life gotta be the meaning
WHY…Do I feel this
Don't believe what they say
Or trust what you hear
If it ever crosses what you know about me
Take a piece from in me
Guard it with pure greed
It's gotta be everything you ever wanted