~I'm here, wide awake again
This fear is something I call a friend
Hello again
It's been a while since I saw you here
I don't remember you saying goodbye~

It's the nights I hate the most - the long, dark silence that I have to live through between sunset and dawn. The time that used to be spent in your arms, whispering all the things we wanted to do, all the places we wanted to go. Dreams didn't come to us when we slept - they were the things we shared when we were awake. Alone, in this room, in this bed, that's when we lived. And now, I live alone. I don't remember whose choice it was. I don't remember the words we spoke or the things we did. I just remember you were here, and then…you weren't.

Maybe if I'd paid attention, I woulda seen it coming. I woulda seen you leaving. I woulda tried to stop you. You'd left before. But you'd always come back. Why was this time different? What made it any worse than the times before? I know it had to be my fault, I had to be the one that caused you to leave, but for the life of me I can't remember why.

~No,
It doesn't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time
It doesn't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time~

You're the only person I've ever really wanted, ya know. The only one I've truly craved. I depended on you for so much - my sanity, my soul, the very breath I took. Sometimes, I would sit and stare at you when you were reading or watching TV and I would hold my breath without realizing it, until you glanced at me and asked me what I was staring at. Only then when the air hit the back of my throat and I gasped would I know that I had ceased to exist for that brief space in time until you acknowledged my existence one again.

I've loved you forever, you know. Maybe I didn't know it at first, but as time went by and I watched you change from a scared little boy into the man you are now, I slowly came to realize that you were the one I loved, the only one I would ever love. It was wrong. It went against everything that was acceptable by God and man, but I never thought about that. I never spent time contemplating the damnation of my immoral soul. I never considered the consequences of loving you, not even the bad ones.

~Here we go, jump to the stars above
So low, why do I fall to love?
Hello my love
This voice never called your name
This boy would never be the same~

But love you I did, through the good times and the bad, even when you didn't think you were worthy of love. I was there to pick up the pieces and put you back together when your flavor of the week decided you were nothing more than a slut and kicked you to the curb once again. Through it all, I loved you, took care of you, made you whole. As corny as it sounds, you made me whole too. Without you, without us, I was nothing.

Sometimes late at night when I can't sleep because I can't feel your weight next to me, I stop and try to pinpoint the moment when it all went wrong, but I can't. I guess it was a gradual thing, one of those unstoppable forces that no one sees coming and after it's all over, they sit back and say "huh?". You didn't wanna work any more, didn't wanna do much of anything. We took time off and that didn't help. They gave you a push and that didn't help. Then they split us up and that damn sure didn't help.

~No,
It don't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time
It don't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time~

When I got my push, my new gimmick, you said you were happy for me, that I was finally gettin' the recognition that I deserved after all my hard work, all my sacrifices. The bad thing was, I agreed with you. Not out loud, cuz that wasn't the way I was. But somewhere deep inside I knew you were right. How in the world was I supposed to know that the greatest thing that could happen to my career would be the worst thing for us?

That was probably the only thing I never thought through all the way. Everything else in our lives, in our careers had been carefully planned, mapped out with such precision. When you left, when you went home for the last time to get your much deserved rest, I worked twice as hard, knowing that I was the one that had to keep our name alive. It was up to me now, to carry on the Hardy tradition. I put so much time and effort into work that I guess I forgot about you.

~Don't let it end up this way
Don't spend another night afraid
Don't let it end up this way
Hey-yeah~

It was only after the shows, after the screaming of the crowd died down and my head stopped ringing, when I was alone in the hotel with Shannon that I would allow myself to think about you. I would remember all the time we had spent, building our lives, living our dreams. I would recall the way you touched me, like I was some kind of precious stone, your hands all soft and silky playing over my skin. You used to sing to me late at night, as I explored every inch of your body with my hands, my tongue.

I was always afraid of hurtin' you, even after all our years together. I couldn't bear to cause you any pain, couldn't bear the thought of you being unhappy because of me. So why didn't I see it coming? You said you were cool with me rooming with Shannon. Hell, you even said you were cool with it when I told you I slept with him. it wasn't like you hadn't been with other people while we were together. I didn't complain when you were with Shane for those couple of months before you left.

~Don't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time
Don't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time
All this time~

You were the one I loved. It didn't matter who we gave our bodies to, cuz we both knew who had our hearts. Even Amy understood that. she was always so cool with it, knowing that no matter how much I loved her, I would always love you more. I thought you knew that too. The last night we were here, together, alone in our bed, we talked about her. you were the one that suggested me and her get married. You said that it would make Daddy happy, and as long as we could still be together, then it didn't matter.

You helped me pick out the ring. You helped me plan the dinner. You bought flowers, picked out the music, lit the candles. You even made plans to stay with Shannon for the night so we could be alone. when I was in the shower, you even joined me and helped me wash my hair…among other things. And then you left, and Amy came over and everything went perfectly, until the next morning. You never came home.

I called you, told you what happened, and listened to you tell me how happy you were for me. but you never came back. I don't know what you wanted from me. I thought this was what you wanted me to do. maybe you were waiting for me to call it all off, to tell you that no matter how much it would mean to her or the rest of the family, that I just couldn't do that to you. is that what you wanted? Why didn't you say something, tell me to stop, tell me you loved me?

I don't know what to do without you, Jeff. I don't know how I'm gonna go on and live my life the way I'm supposed to, when all I want is you, here beside me. you're not here to tell me how to deal with this, to tell me what to do, how to feel. You're not here for me to hold, to love. Even with her sleepin' right next to me, I'm still all alone. you're gone and you took a part of me with you. I can see the stars through the window and I wonder if you're lookin' at them too. I love you, Jeff. I just wish you were here so I could tell you that.

~I'm here, wide awake again~

Read the sequel J By Gypsy