Of all the things I've believed in, I just want to get it over with,
tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry,
counting the days that pass me by.
I've been searchin' deep down in my soul;
words that I'm hearin' are starting to get old,
it feels like I'm starting all over again,
The last three years were just pretend,
and I said...
Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold onto.
I still get lost in your eyes, and it seems that I can't live a day without you,
closing my eyes, and you chase my thoughts away,
to a place where I am blinded by the light,
but it's not right.
Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold on to.
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,
I want what's yours and I want what's mine,
I want you, but I'm not giving in this time.
Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold onto
Goodbye to you,
goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold onto,
And when the stars fall I will lie awake,
you're my shooting star.

Twelve and a half years.

One hundred fifty months.

Six hundred fifty weeks.

Four thousand five hundred fifty days.

One hundred nine thousand two hundred hours.

Six million five hundred fifty two thousand minutes.

Three hundred ninety three million one hundred twenty thousand seconds.

That's how long I've known you.



That's how long it's been since I first laid eyes on you, at the rec center in town, trying to play basketball with the "big" kids. Funny thing was, the big kids were younger than you. I remember watchin' you arguin' with them, tellin' them that you could play even though you was 6 inches shorter than them. But, they didn't care. They laughed at ya, and told ya to go home and come back when you was bigger.

You were so upset with 'em that you just turned around and ran - right into me. I was there with Matty, workin' out cuz they had better weights than we did at home. I'd just turned thirteen, and thought I was on top of the world. I remember lookin' down into your eyes, kinda sparkly with the tears you refused to cry, and I saw somethin'. I knew even then that you was gonna be a star someday.

"You okay, kid?" I asked and your eyes turned dark with anger. "I ain't a kid!" you said loudly. "I'm 11 years old!" Matt looked at ya and smiled, and I knew right away that he was feelin' it too.

"What's ya name?" he asked quietly. You wiped your eyes and stood up straight, lookin' him in the eye.

"Shannon," you replied, then squared your jaw, like you was darin' us to make fun of ya. Matt's friend Danny came in, cuz we were meetin' him to play basketball after our workout. He was walkin' toward us, and Matt looked down at you again, and asked if you wanted to play with us.

I remember the way you looked at him, then over at me, smilin' so big I thought your face was gonna crack. You apologized for runnin' into me and I smiled at ya. "I'm Jeff," I said, then pointed to Matt. "This is my brother, Matt." You stuck your hand out and I shook it, impressed with your grip.

Then you shook Matt's hand, and Danny's too, when we introduced you to him. We took a court and played two on two - me and Danny against you and Matt. For a little guy, you played pretty good, body checkin' me every chance you got., even makin' some pretty amazin' jump shots.

After the game, Matt took us for ice cream. He was fussin' over us, tellin' us to wipe our mouths and stop playin' with our cones. When he went to the bathroom, you asked me if he was always like that, actin' all motherly, and I nodded. Ya musta seen how sad I was, cuz ya asked what was wrong, and I told ya about Mamma dyin' and all that.

School was startin' in a couple days, and we talked about that. You was nervous about startin' middle school, so I told ya that I'd help ya out, show ya around, that kind of thing. In the back of my mind, I remember promisin' myself at the same time that I would take care of ya, protect ya. Matty came back to the table then, and we gave ya a ride home.

Your mamma was in the front yard, workin' on her garden and you drug both of us over to meet her. She was real nice, offerin' us some lemonade, even invitin' us to stay for dinner. Matt had a date that night, and said he couldn't stay, but I could if I wanted. The look on your face - like a lil kid waitin' to see what Santa Clause left ya on Christmas mornin' - gave me no choice.

Your family was real nice to me, treatin' me like they'd known me for years. After dinner, we played some video games, then your mamma said y'all could drive me home. Before I got out of the car, you grabbed a piece of paper and pen from the visor and wrote down your number, so I could call ya and tell ya where to meet me at school. I gave ya mine, too and went inside.



School sucked. It always did. I was never much for learnin', except for art and music. You were short and cute and blonde and nobody expected much from ya. I was the only person, 'sides your family, that knew how smart ya really were. Hell, half the time you did my homework for me, cuz I was too busy playin' the guitar and learnin' how to wrestle.

I didn't have too many friends myself, so you were the one I told everything to. You knew all my secrets, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. When I told ya that me and Matty were gonna be famous one day, ya never laughed at me. Instead, ya started taggin' along everywhere we went - the gym, all the shows we worked. You were the only thing other than Matty that I could count on.

The days turned to weeks, weeks to months, months to years…I was 17 and had just gotten my drivers' license. I was 'posed to get it the year before, but I couldn't drive for shit and kept flunkin' my test. The day I got it, though, I borrowed Matt's car and picked you up - free for the first time in my life. We drove to Raleigh and spent the day hangin' out at the mall.

When we came back, we went to Taco Bell then drove out by the lake, sittin' on the hood of the car and watchin' the sunset. We talked for hours, makin' plans for the future. We were gonna be stars together, you and me. Matt had already started trainin' ya, even though the other guys said you'd never make it cuz you were too little. Didn't matter, though, cuz you had more talent in your little finger than those guys had in their whole bodies combined.

You'd been growin' a bit, finally startin' to show some muscle among the baby fat. I was lookin' at you out of the corner of my eye, tryin' not to make it obvious that I was checkin' you out. I didn't want you to notice; didn't want you to start askin' questions again. I remember the night you caught me starin' at one of the guys in the locker room. You just came right out and asked me if I was gay or somethin'.

I didn't know what to say, how to react, so I just shook my head and went out the next day and got me a girlfriend. Best way to lay all those suspicions to rest, right? But there was one problem with my thinkin'. I was fallin' in love with you. You understood me, knew me better'n anybody. And you accepted me just the way I was, not expectin' nothin' more from me than what you was able to give back.

How could I make ya understand, when I didn't even understand it myself? We was best friends - I shouldn't be thinkin' about you like that. But I was. I ain't sayin' I was like…obsessed with you or anything like that, but …okay, so I watched you undress after a show…and I checked ya out when we were in the ring…and I thought about ya when I was alone in my room late at night. That didn't make me obsessed, did it?

Hell, who was I kiddin'? Even back then, I couldn't hide it from ya. When I finally did tell you - that I was into guys, not that I loved you - you just looked at me like I had holes in my head and told me that you knew all along. Ya said that you always knew what I was thinkin', feelin', everything. You were perfect.



Maybe that's why I fell in love with you. That's probably the same reason it took me so long to tell you - cuz I never thought that somebody as perfect as you could ever love the freak boy I made myself into. Don't matter now, but I still remember the look on your face when I said it - the first time in my love I uttered those three words to somebody that wasn't related to me.

We were at the lake again, the hood of my new car covered in Taco Bell wrappers, and we were talkin' about everything, just like always. The rest of the guys were sittin' around, drinkin', smokin', makin' out with whoever. We were celebratin' cuz you'd just graduated from high school. I told ya how proud I was, that you had actually made it, and we started talkin' about the future. And somewhere in the middle of you tellin' me all about your dreams, I found myself just starin' at ya, watchin' the way your eyes sparkled in the light of the big fire Matt had started.

You musta been askin' me something, but I didn't hear ya, cuz I was too busy starin' at ya. You reached over and shook my shoulder and I about jumped outta my skin. Ya asked me what was wrong, and my mouth started workin' long before my brain had a chance to kick in, and I just blurted it out - "I love you" - just like that. You looked at me for half a second then started laughin'. I didn't know what was so funny. I had just confessed my deepest, darkest secret to my best friend, and all he could do was laugh.

You musta giggled for five minutes before you looked at me and said, "well, duh!" Before I could even ask ya what that meant, you leaned over and kissed me. Not some lil peck on the cheek, or even a first date kiss - your lips were pressed against mine, your tongue runnin' over 'em real soft and I just lost it.

I forgot all about the fact that we was on the hood of my brand new car, and that there were about fifty other people standin' around watchin' us. I just wrapped my arms around your waist, pulled ya into my lap, and made myself familiar with ever single inch of the inside of your mouth. My hands were all over ya, and I could feel yours on me too. Nothing in my life, not a single thing locked away in the memories of my 21 years could compare to that feeling.

I could hear Matt talkin', tryin' to explain to everbody that we musta been drunk or something. Then you started gigglin' like crazy, and you turned to look at him, stickin' out that perfect lil tongue of yours. Ya told him that we wasn't drunk, we were in love, and he said that people were lookin' at us. You smiled at him so sweet and told him we could give 'em something much better to look at.

I remember exactly what ya did next. It plays in my mind over and over all the time. Everything just narrowed down to you and me, and it was like slow motion - you moved around in my lap till you were facing me, then ya wrapped your legs around my waist and kissed me again. I didn't give a damn who was watchin' or what they were gonna be sayin' about us. All I cared about was the fact that you were mine.

Three years.

Thirty six months.

Six hundred twenty four weeks.

One thousand ninety five days.

Twenty six thousand two hundred eighty hours.

One million five hundred seventy six thousand eight hundred minutes.

Ninety four million six hundred eight thousand seconds.

That's how long we were in love.

We had been fightin' for a few weeks, mostly over little stuff. They sent ya to OVW to get ya ready, and me and Matt were ridin' out the end of our run as the best tag team in the company. I remember tryin' to talk to him about what was wrong with me and you, but he always told me that I was gonna have to figure it out for myself. I thought he was bein' a real asshole about it. How the hell was I s'posed to know that he loved ya too?

You weren't speakin' to me - ya hadn't for a couple weeks. I asked him - no, I begged him - to talk to ya, to Shane, to anybody that could figure out what was wrong. He finally said he would, I think mostly to shut me up. So my brother - my other best friend - went to talk to you. He talked…and talked…and talked. And after a couple weeks, he finally told me that he didn't think it was gonna work out with you and me anymore.

Like the fool that I was, I accepted it. I thought maybe we had just grown apart, like people do after a while. How was I supposed to know that Matty was makin' his move on you, that he had been in love with you almost as long as I had? How was I supposed to know that you had a crush on him too?

Wasn't I good to you? Didn't I do everything I could to make ya happy? I took care of you when you were sick, held you when you were cold, comforted you when you were scared. I loved you, I fucked you, I fought with you. We were friends, lovers, everything we needed to be. So why did ya leave me for my brother?

Two years.

Twenty four months.

One hundred four weeks.

Seven hundred twenty eight days.

Seventeen thousand four hundred seventy two hours.

One million forty eight thousand three hundred twenty minutes.

Sixty two million eight hundred ninety nine thousand two hundred seconds.

That's how long it's been since I held you in my arms.

Now I'm sitting here, watching you across the room, and I can't remember the last time I saw you this happy. You've bounced around this place for the last hour, and now you're all worn out, sitting in Matt's lap, your head resting on his shoulder. I can see that he loves you, and more than that, I can see that you love him.

All I ever wanted, from the moment I laid eyes on you, was to make you safe, and happy and loved. I guess I did all those things, but now, someone else has that job. You're still my best friend. You're still the one I tell all my secrets to, and that helps me when I'm not feelin' quite like myself. You're the one that urges me to go on, even when I think I ain't got the strength to do it. And now, you're the one who's smilin' at me across the room, lettin' me know that you still love me, even if it ain't like it used to be.

I see ya lookin' at the door and your smile gets even bigger. I follow your gaze and start a smile of my own. I see him standin' there, lookin' around the room. Finally, his eyes settle on me and he starts walking toward me, his lean legs ripplin' under his tight jeans, the light reflecting off his funky green hair, and his smile lightin' up the room like nothin' I've ever seen. I look at you one last time before standin' up, wrappin' my arms around his neck, and fallin' into the depths of his Hershey's Kiss eyes. His lips touch mine and I feel it again.

Ten years.

One hundred twenty months

Five hundred twenty weeks.

Three thousand six hundred forty days.

Eighty seven thousand three hundred sixty hours.

Five million two hundred forty one thousand six hundred minutes.

Three hundred fourteen million four hundred ninety six thousand seconds.

That's how long it's been since I met the man in my arms.

One year.

Twelve months.

Fifty two weeks.

Three hundred sixty five days.

Eight thousand seven hundred sixty hours.

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.

Thirty one million five hundred thirty six thousand seconds.

That's how long it's been since he told me he loved me, kissed me for the first time, and made love to me - for the first time in my life.

And now, in this room full of our friends, he whispers, "happy anniversary" in my ear before he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a black velvet box, placing it in my hand. I look at him, then you. You smile at me and nod slightly, as Matt wraps his arms around you, whispering something in your ear that makes you blush.

I open the box slowly, pulling out the heavy silver bracelet studded with diamonds and emeralds. My initials were engraved in the nameplate. I look up at Shane and smiled softly, kissing him before holding out the bracelet for him to place on my arm. He took it, then looked into my eyes.

Before putting it on my wrist, he asked me one thing - "do ya know how long I'm gonna love ya?" I opened my mouth to answer, but he turned the bracelet over and showed me the engraving on the back of the nameplate. The single word etched there made me smile, tears coming to my eyes. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn't look to you for answers, cuz I had my answer right in front of me.

Forever.