"Gandalf! Gandalf! Gandalf!" chanted the audience, as the silver-haired, silver-tongued host of the popular daytime show bounded from the wings, staff in hand.
Gandalf worked the front row, shaking hands, kissing cheeks and thanking the folks for coming. He called out a greeting to Lurtz, head of the show's security, looming at the back of the stage. The fearsome looking giant smiled shyly and waved to the audience, provoking more chanting, this time of the big bouncer's name. However, this was a fast-paced show, and Gandalf wasted no time getting to the first topic of the hour.
"Our first guest," he began, "is Eowyn. Eowyn has a secret. For the past year, she's been having an affair with her best friend's husband." There was a mass gasp of scandalized disbelief from the crowd, as Gandalf called, "Let's bring her out. Eowyn!"
A slight, young woman in a flowing, sheer, low-cut dress walked from the wings and sat on one of the chairs provided. She tossed her wealth of rippled golden hair over one shoulder and looked to Gandalf.
"Hello, Eowyn," Gandalf said, "nice to have you on the show. You're cheating with your best friend's husband?"
"Yes, Gandalf, I am," Eowyn replied, with no trace of remorse.
Gandalf waited for the audience's response to this boldness die down, before he spoke again. "Don't you feel a little bit bad about it? She's your friend."
Eowyn grimaced. "She doesn't take care of him, Gandalf. If he was happy at home, he wouldn't come to me."
"I see, and how did this come about? Who made the first move?"
"Well, Gandalf," Eowyn simpered, "I guess it was fifty-fifty. I was at a party with my brother and some of his friends. It got a little wild. I guess we all had a lot of mead. Anyway, Aragorn was there with his homeboys, the Fellowship, and we just sort of got together."
"And Arwen, his wife, knows nothing about the affair?"
"No, Gandalf, she's too stupid to even notice."
"Well, she knows now," Gandalf announced.
"She's been listening backstage. Let's bring her out. A big Grayhame Show welcome for Arwen."
The audience clapped, cheered and whistled as a statuesque beauty charged from the wings and made straight for Eowyn. Eowyn leapt from her chair, and ran behind Lurtz. Lurtz grabbed Arwen by the arms, and held her back.
"You bitch!" Arwen screamed. "That's my husband, you homewrecker!"
"You don't know how to treat a Man," Eowyn yelled.
"Just because I'm not a slut like you?" Arwen shot back.
Eowyn launched herself at the other woman, and another bouncer grabbed her around the waist. The two women glared at one another across the short space that separated them, bosoms heaving as the crowd roared with delight.
"Welcome to the Grayhame Show, Arwen," Gandalf said drolly.
Arwen turned to look at the wizard, and composed herself. "Hi, Gandalf."
"Did you have any idea that your husband was cheating on you?"
"No, Gandalf, I certainly didn't. I guess I should have known with this tramp shaking her ass in his face every chance she gets." Arwen turned to scream at the other woman. "He loves me, bitch. All you'll ever be to him is a piece of ass."
"You know all those times he told you he was working late with Faramir?" Eowyn responded. "He was with me, in my bed."
"Whom does he come home to?" Arwen taunted. "You're just a blonde bimbo with air for brains. I'm his wife."
"Why would he want you, when he can have this?" Eowyn shouted as she grasped the hem of her dress and whipped it off over her head.
The audience shrieked and applauded as Eowyn strutted across the stage in a lacy push up bra and a tiny thong that bared her cute butt.
"Big deal, little girl," Arwen yelled. She ripped open her blouse to reveal a luscious set of creamy-skinned breasts swelling over the black bra that presented them like two servings of flan. "This is what a woman's body looks like," she declared.
"You're a fat cow," Eowyn sneered, smacking her tight bottom. "This is what he likes."
"Well," Gandalf said to the crowd, "do you want to meet the Man in the middle?"
The audience replied with a resounding affirmative. "Then, we'll meet him right after this message."
Gandalf sat down to chat with a couple of pretty girls in the front row, while his stage manager, Wormtongue, hawked the goods that kept the show solvent. After quick pitches for Lonely Mountain Dwarvish Magic Ring Polish and Galadriel's Golden Wood Day Spa and Nail Hut, Gandalf rose and resumed his duties as host.
"Next, we have Aragorn. Aragorn is married to Arwen, but he's been having an affair with her best friend, Eowyn. Let's meet him. Aragorn."
A Man whose rakish good looks were marred by lank hair, heavy stubble, and clothes that looked as though they'd been slept in, loped onto the stage. The two women, who'd been reseated, jumped from their chairs and began shouting at him. Aragorn recoiled, and the audience laughed.
"How could you?" Arwen screamed at the Man.
"It was an accident, muffin," Aragorn protested.
"What? Like you tripped and your dick got stuck in her?"
"Something like that."
"Aragorn!" Eowyn yelled her betrayal.
"One moment, ladies," Gandalf chuckled. "Aragorn, hi, welcome to the Grayhame Show."
"Uh, hi, Gandalf," Aragorn mumbled, his eyes darting between the furious women.
"Looks like you've been busy," Gandalf said.
"I guess I have." An ill-advised smirk spread across his lips, further enraging the women.
"So you're married to Arwen, here, but you're sleeping with her best friend?" Gandalf asked.
"That's right, Gandalf," Aragon answered. "She seems like a lovely woman. Don't you feel bad about it?"
"Not really. I'm married to Arwen, but she doesn't know how to treat a Man. Eowyn takes care of me."
Arwen's scream of outrage made several people cover their ears. "You son of a bitch! I gave up everything for you. I left my family, my friends, my eternal life, and this is my reward? Maybe I don't know how to treat a Man because you're not a Man."
"Oh, he's a Man, honey," Eowyn chimed in. "I've got the proof."
"You have another secret, don't you, Eowyn?" Gandalf said, with a twinkle in his eye.
"That's right, Gandalf. I'm two months pregnant."
This time dogs howled when Arwen vented her rage. Aragorn looked dumbstruck. The audience loved it.
"I'm carrying your child," Eowyn said to Aragorn.
"Are you sure it's mine?" Eowyn's pretty face crumpled. "Of course, it's yours. Who's else would it be?"
"That's a good question," Arwen shouted.
"Let's call up the Rohirrim, the Guards of the Tower, anyone with a penis that wandered by, and ask them."
"Bitch!" Eowyn screamed.
"Whore!" Arwen screamed back.
"Ladies," Gandalf moderated, "Let's sit back down and meet our next guest, Eowyn's brother, Eomer. Come on out here, Eomer."
A brawny, shirtless Man in filthy jeans and a leather vest stomped onstage. He sported the same golden mop as Eowyn and every visible inch of skin was covered with tattoos of the flaming skull school of aesthetics.
"I should kick your ass for knocking up my sister," Eomer growled at Aragorn.
Eowyn came to stand beside her brother. "He told me he loved me," she whined.
"You want I should kick his ass for you, Wynnie?" Eomer flexed his muscles, making the dragons and naked women dance.
Security prepared to intervene, but as soon as their attention was diverted, Arwen went for Eowyn. Grabbing a double fistful of blonde hair, Arwen yanked with all her might. Eowyn screamed piercingly, and pulled off a shoe to throw at her attacker. Eomer grabbed his sister, and Aragorn got hold of Arwen.
"You fat, stupid cow," Eowyn bawled, staring at the strands of golden hair tangled around Arwen's fingers. "You pulled out my hair."
"Come near my Man again, and I'll snatch you bald-headed," Arwen promised. "He comes to me," Eowyn said. "Whatever.
He's going home with me," Arwen.
"Whatever," Eowyn answered in kind.
"What do you have to say about all this?" Gandalf addressed Aragorn.
"Well, if the baby's mine, and I want a paternity test, I'll take care of it, but Arwen's my lady. If she'll forgive me, I'm staying with her."
"No!" Eowyn cried out. "You said you loved me. You told me you hated her. You said she was bossy and spoiled and fat!"
Arwen glowered at Aragorn.
"Well, you are bossy, muffin," Aragorn said. "Your dad spoiled you, and that's a fact. You don't cook, you don't clean, and you don't take care of me in bed."
Arwen's face turned the color of ripe tomato. Lurtz barely restrained her from clawing the Man's eyes out.
"You lazy, good for nothing bum. My father told me I was making a mistake marrying below my level, but I just had to have you. You don't go to work. You just hang around all day and half the night with that Fellowship gang of yours. You can't just sit around waiting to win the Gondor Lottery. Be a Man, Aragorn, and maybe I'll treat you like one."
The crowd cheered her sentiment, as Gandalf walked on stage and stood next to Eowyn. The slender blonde was weeping, her tearful eyes fixed on Aragorn.
"He says he'll provide for the child," Gandalf said, "but it seems to me that you expected more from him."
"He said he was going to leave her for me," Eowyn sobbed.
Gandalf produced a large handkerchief and handed it to her. "Hmm, but you've already got a fiancé, don't you? Come on out here, Faramir."
The audience gasped, as a tall Man ran onto the stage and swung on Aragorn without warning. Gandalf jumped down, feigning alarm, mugging for the crowd. Lurtz, Shagrat and Gorbag all went into action, separating the two Men, and keeping the women out of it. When things had calmed a bit, Gandalf stepped back up on stage, making a production of pretending to be nervous, and leaned on his staff.
"Faramir, you're engaged to Eowyn?"
"I thought I was," Faramir said shortly.
"Does that mean the wedding's off?"
"She's pregnant by another Man. What am I supposed to do, Gandalf?" Faramir answered.
"Eowyn," Gandalf said, "Do you have something to say to Faramir?"
"I'm sorry," she sobbed, "but you're never there for me. You're always working."
"For you," Faramir stated, "for us, so we can have a nice life. Do you want to live with your relatives in Rohan Trailer Park forever?" Eowyn dissolved into tears. The audience ooh-ed and ah-ed when Faramir went to her and took her hand.
"Is there hope for this relationship?" Gandalf wanted to know.
"I don't know," Faramir said honestly. "I love her, but I never thought she'd cheat on me."
"Make your plea, Eowyn," Gandalf said.
"I'm sorry," Eowyn said, looking into Faramir's eyes. "I was lonely. I'll never cheat on you again. I love you to death."
"Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet!" the audience chanted.
Faramir turned and glared at the crowd, then knelt on the stage. "Eowyn, I love you. You've made a mistake, but we'll try and work it out. I'm not thrilled that you're carrying Aragorn's baby, if it's really his, but I do love you, and I want to marry you."
The mood of the audience swung wildly again, as they cheered the couple. Gandalf turned to the other two guests.
"Aragorn, what do you have to say about this?"
"I'm happy for Eowyn," he said unconvincingly, "and like I said, I'll do what's right by the child. If it's mine."
"You're not coming near this baby," Faramir shouted from the other side of the stage. "You're supposed to be my friend, and you sleep with my fiancée? I should help Eomer kick your ass."
"Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Kick his ass!" the crowd predictably chanted.
Gandalf waited for quiet again. "Arwen, what's your decision? Do you forgive Aragorn?"
The lovely young woman looked balefully at her husband. "I don't know, Gandalf."
"Well, we have one more guest," the host announced. "Perhaps you should reserve judgment until after this break."
Wormtongue came out again and said a few words about Uruk-Hai Security Services and Grey Haven Cruise Lines. Gandalf thanked him, and walked to the side of the stage.
"So far we've met Eowyn, who is engaged to Faramir, but was having an affair with Aragorn, who is married to Arwen. Whew!" The crowd belonged to Gandalf now, and they laughed appreciatively at even this weak witticism. "Eowyn may be carrying Aragorn's child, but she and Faramir are going to work out their problems. However, Arwen isn't so sure about forgiving Aragorn."
The audience chuckled along with the silver-haired wizard.
"Well, we haven't given Aragorn a chance to make his plea to you yet," Gandalf said, "but first, let's meet our last guest." Gandalf, the consummate showman, paused to let the drama build a bit. The five people on stage looked from left to right, wondering who would be brought out next.
"Now, Aragorn," Gandalf said genially, "You've admitted to an affair with Eowyn, isn't that right?"
"No point in lying about it," Aragorn said, "I'm not a player, but when the girl puts out the booty call, what are you going to do? Am I right, Men?"
The male half of the audience erupted in crude catcalls and whistles. The women booed.
"Well, I don't know, Aragorn," Gandalf said. "I think maybe you are a player. Eowyn's not the only one you've been cheating with, is she?"
Eowyn and Arwen's gazes flew to the Man in shock. Aragorn shrugged sheepishly. "Let's bring out our next guest, who has no idea what's going on out here," Gandalf said with a flourish of his staff.
A mass gasp greeted the newcomer who flowed gracefully onto the stage, and looked about in a bewildered manner.
"Welcome to the show," Gandalf said, "You know everybody, I assume?"
"Legolas!" Arwen shrieked, "What are you doing here?"
Legolas looked to Aragorn, and then back at Gandalf.
"Hi, Legolas," Gandalf said in a friendly manner. "Thanks for being with us today."
"I'm not sure why I'm here," the beautiful blonde said.
"Well, Arwen has found out that Aragorn has been cheating on her with Eowyn. Aragorn found out that Eowyn is pregnant, and Faramir found out about Eowyn's infidelity."
"What has any of this to do with me?"
"Aren't you having an affair with Aragorn also?"
"That would be none of your business," the Elf said haughtily over the gasps and titters.
"Ooh, touchy," Gandalf twinkled at the audience.
"Aragorn?" Aragorn looked at Arwen, and hung his head. Arwen shrieked in fury, and turned to attack Legolas. Lurtz grabbed her, and held her around the waist, as she flailed her arms in an attempt to reach Legolas.
"Bitch!" she yelled. "Always acting like you're better than everybody, and you're sleeping with my Man? You wait until we get back home. I will kick your precious butt."
Legolas looked at her curiously, but did not deign to reply.
"I guess Legolas isn't confirming or denying," Gandalf said, "but I think it's obvious that Aragorn is a player, after all. Now, Aragorn, how long have you and Legolas been intimate?"
Legolas looked mortified when Aragorn mumbled an answer. Arwen and Eowyn both screamed like banshees.
"So," Gandalf said, "you were with Legolas before you married Arwen?"
"That's right, Gandalf," Aragorn admitted. "We've been together off and on since we were kids."
"I see, and did you know that Legolas is, in fact, an Elf?"
The audience gasped as one, and stared more intently at the silken-haired creature. Legolas affected not to notice the uproar, checking his gleaming nails for nonexistent dirt.
"How could you?" Arwen yelled at Aragorn. "With an Elf? Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick."
Eowyn was leaning on Faramir, laughing through her tears at the outraged She-Elf. Eomer was looking speculatively at Legolas slender form. Aragorn just looked miserable.
"Well, we need to wrap things up now," Gandalf said. "Faramir and Eowyn seem to be willing to work out their problems. Of course, the child might mean Aragorn's continued presence in their lives, but I'm sure they'll cross that bridge when they come to it. Arwen is having a hard time forgiving Aragorn, understandably. Arwen? Is there any hope for your relationship?"
"Well, Gandalf, I just don't know. He's lied to me and cheated on me since the day we were married. I just don't know if I can forgive him. I love him to death, but he'd have to promise to be faithful." Arwen looked Aragorn in the face. "You can't ever go near that trailer park trash again." Arwen spun toward Legolas, "And you, you conceited, two-faced, slippery slut, I'll have more to say to you when we get back to Rivendell County. You can run but you can't hide, sweetie. If you show your precious face, I'll rearrange it for you."
"Shut up, slag," Legolas said in a supremely bored voice. "If I want your Man, I'll take him, and there's nothing you can do about it."
Gandalf raised his eyebrows, and gave the audience a droll look of mock astonishment. The crowd responded to the cue with exclamations of shock, and a sprinkling of involuntary laughter. One or two called out uncomplimentary remarks.
Legolas turned to face the crowd. "You shut up, too. If I want any of your Men, I'll have them, and there's nothing you can do about it, either."
The catcalls grew in number and volume. Legolas wasn't intimidated in the least. He pushed a strand of silken hair behind one delicately pointed ear, and settled his hands elegantly on his slim hips. His luminous gaze made eye contact with various audience members before coming to rest on Gandalf in the front row.
Gandalf stuck the end of his staff in the face of the screaming, hairy woman jumping up and down next to him.
"You're a homewrecking whore," the dumpy, Dwarfwoman yelled. Her stocky friend high-fived her, while the audience applauded riotously.
"And you're not," Legolas said. "You wish you had it like this." The Elf spun on one heel, and the crowd whooped and hollered.
"Yeah, but you're a whore!" was the brilliant comeback.
"And a good one," Legolas said. "My Men take care of me. I don't pay rent, I don't buy clothes, and my ride is paid for, bitch. What have you got? Maybe if you fixed yourself up a little, you could get a Man, too. Or maybe a Man's not what you want."
The crowd roared with laughter, and Gandalf moved on to another audience member wildly waving a paw in the air.
"Yes, what's your question for our guests?" Gandalf asked the young Orc with the impressive body piercings.
"Hey, blondie! Can I get a lap dance? It's my birthday."
"Kick his ass, Eomer," Eowyn said.
"I wasn't talking to you," the Orc sneered.
"You can't afford me," Legolas dismissed the thug.
Gandalf moved on to a middle-aged Rohannish man with broken-veined nose of one who's a bit too fond of his mead.
"Um, yeah. I want to know if Eomer's going to kick Aragorn's ass or not?"
"Why don't you come down here and kick my ass?" Aragorn yelled back.
The beer-bellied Rider waded down the steps until he ran into Lurtz, who stopped him in his tracks. "You're lucky these guys are here," the Rider yelled "or I'd send you to the Houses of Healing!"
"You and all the Rohirrim, maybe," Aragorn shouted back. "You wussy Riders couldn't-" is as far as he got before Eomor cold-cocked him from the left.
Aragorn reeled back and fell over a chair. A shrieking Arwen launched herself nails first at Eomer, as security moved in. Eowyn took the opportunity to smack Arwen a good one upside the head, as Shagrat dragged the She-Elf off of Eomer. Faramir grabbed his shieldmaiden around the waist and pulled her out of the melee. Legolas stood to one side, picking at one of his pretty braids. The audience ate it up, and Gandalf anticipated good ratings.
"Well, that's about all the time we have today," Gandalf said when order was restored. "Next week we'll have four Hobbits whose tangled love affairs you will not believe. Now, here's my final thought. We can't always choose who we love, but we can choose to love one at a time. It's safer that way. Goodbye for now. Take care of yourselves, and each other."
