Jared whines in his sleep, frowning a little until Jensen smoothes a hand over his back. He's out of excuses now and Jensen wonders if he's just making things worse by dragging it out. He can't give Jared what he wants and he knows that. Jared wants a family. Jared deserves a family. Jared deserves everything and he can have it. He can have a normal life.

That's where the difference is. Jensen's always wanted a normal life, but he gave up on having a white picket fence when Molly Jacobs tried to let him get to third base in the ninth grade and he couldn't force himself to care. As much as Chris likes to blame Justin for all the problems Jensen's had with his family, he knows it's not Justin's fault. Maybe Justin pushed him to come out, but it was going to have to happen one day. One day, he was going to have to answer his parents' questions about why he was never going to settle down with a nice girl and have two point four kids. He'd figured out a long time ago that it was less about if his parents disowned him and more about when.

But Jared could avoid that. He could have the house with the dogs and the kids. His parents never had to know about the time he experimented in college. He never had to get to the point of losing out on a job. He never had to hear that he wasn't allowed around his four year-old cousins.

Jared's hand clenches at his waist and he snuggles closer against Jensen's side and why does he have to be so fucking beautiful when he sleeps?

Then again, Jensen's not really sure why Jared hadn't dumped him months ago. He's done nothing but screw up since the beginning. He really wasn't sure Jared would even forgive him after his birthday.

Really, he should've ended this a long time ago-before he got so comfortable. He should have ended it before he fell in love, but if he's honest, that means he never should've started it in the first place.

But he got over Justin and really that must mean he can get over Jared. More importantly, it means Jared can get over him. Jared's not going to believe that, but this is the first time Jared's been in love. He never thought he'd get over Justin in the beginning either, but he did, and eventually, Jared will get over him. Then he can have a normal life and a normal family.

He's still studying Jared's face when Jared's eyes blink open. Jared looks him over and rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

"Okay, this waking up before me is really starting to creep me out." Jared smiles a little and Jensen has to look away. If he looks at that smile, he'll put this off another day and he doesn't have the excuse of not wanting to mess up Jared's classes. If he waits until tomorrow, he won't have a day off work after and he knows he's going to need that. He's pretty sure Jared's gonna need some time away from him too.

"Sorry." It doesn't really cover everything, but he means it and maybe that's something.

"Jen, what's going on? Did you even sleep?" He doesn't have to look to know Jared's eyes are starting to get that pleading look. When Jared reaches for him, he moves away so Jared's hand lands on his shoulder instead of his face.

"I've been thinking." He needs clothes. He really can't walk out of here naked and he's going to have to get out. If he stays, he's just going to take it all back and beg Jared to forgive him again.

"This isn't when I should say that's never a good thing is it?" Jared's fingers brush against his hand, but he pulls away before Jared can hold on.

"Jared, I think," He doesn't want to continue even though he tells himself he has to. This is…okay, it's about ten times harder than when he told his parents he was gay. Because he knew they weren't worth it if they didn't like him how he was. But Jared loves him even though he's difficult and so fucking damaged. Jared is everything he's ever wanted and he deserves more than Jensen can ever give him. He has to do this. "I think that maybe we should try seeing other people."

"What? I don't want other people." Jared's voice shakes a little and all he wants to do is take everything back.

"I think it would be better in the long run. You're young and-"

"No, you don't get to say that. So I'm younger, so what? That doesn't mean I'm stupid. I don't wanna see other people. You wanna see other people, I can't do anything about that, but you don't get to fucking act like you're doing this for me." Jared interrupts and misses his point entirely. He was going to say Jared had plenty of time to get over him and move on, but maybe its better if he doesn't correct him. Maybe it's better if Jared's just angry-if Jared can just hate him.

"Okay. Fine. It's my fault," he says even though he doesn't really think he's gonna find someone else that will compare to Jared. He's never met another person that lights up the room so bright just by being in it.

He hears Jared getting up and turns to the door. He has to get out. If he looks into Jared's eyes, he won't be able to do this.

"Jensen, you don't want to do this. I know you don't."

"You don't know that." Jared presses up behind him and he can feel heat from Jared's bare chest through the thin cotton tank top. Jared's hands run over his arms, reminding him of the last time Jared tried to keep him from the door. He's not facing Jared this time, but he smells just as good now as he did then.

"Yes I do." Jared presses a cheek against his back and Jensen can feel the tears falling on his shoulder. "Last night you said you loved me. You meant it. I know you meant it. Why are you doing this? Just tell me why."

"I can't. I'm sorry. I didn't want to do it like this." He can't bring himself to argue. He doesn't actually want Jared to think he's not loved.

"You had some other way to do this? You've been planning this? What the hell is wrong with you?" Jared pulls at his arms, trying to turn him around, but he can't let that happen. If he sees Jared crying, he'll give in. There's no way he's strong enough for that. He's never actually seen Jared cry, but he's pretty sure it's more tragic than anything Shakespeare ever wrote.

"You won't get it. You wouldn't understand if I told you." Jared would just tell him it's not such a big deal. Jared hasn't actually suffered because of him yet. Somehow he's gotten the idea that this whole gay thing is just no big deal and he thinks everyone else is going to think that too.

"So that's it? You just want to go fuck other people and not tell me why? That's great. I'm glad you've learned so much from the years of life experience you have on me." Jared's pissed and he deserves it, but that doesn't make hearing that any easier. What he's doing is not the same as what Justin did anyway. Justin's not bi, he's in denial, and he wasn't doing Jensen any kind of a favor by leaving him when he did.

"Look, I'm gonna go. I gotta work tomorrow night but I'll stay gone until then. You can have someone else check you out whenever you wanna go so you don't have to see me." He has to get out, because Jared's shaking a little and every square of inch of his body is telling him to turn around and pull Jared to him and tell him it's all going to be okay. Maybe Jared's started to give up already because he doesn't resist when Jensen takes his hand, the hand that's pulled his face in for so many kisses, and brings it to his lips.

Jensen takes the stairs. If he waits for the elevator Jared might have a chance to get dressed and come after him or worse, Jared won't try to stop him and he'll know Jared didn't try.

He sends a text to Allie when he gets to his truck because Jared shouldn't be alone. He's still trying to figure out if he should turn off his phone when Lexi calls, but he lets it go to voicemail. She'll freak out less if she thinks he just didn't hear his phone. She might go all the way back to the dorm before calling Chris, so he'll already be in the movie with Sandy before she calls. If he's not lucky, Chris won't be in the movie yet, but it'll still take him a while to get home.

Tom's car is parked outside when he gets to the townhouse, but that doesn't really matter. Tom is about as comfortable with anything resembling emotion as the nearest caveman. Not that Chris is much better, but he's willing to force it if he has to. Tom will just call Lexi and really, he just needs a few minutes to get himself together before she shows up. He just needs a few minutes to punch something.

He can hear Tom and Tessa laughing about something in the kitchen when he comes in and it's perfect. He can make it to Chris's room, punch the wall or something, freak out for a few minutes and be totally calm by the time Tom gets Alexis or Chris over here-except that he's not really sure he'll be able to calm down ever in his entire life. They can just force him into a straitjacket and ship him home to his parents. Maybe they'll pay to have him institutionalized since they're so sure he has a mental illness.

Jensen's first mistake is that he starts to loose it half-way up the stairs and maybe he pulls a picture of everyone from spring break off the wall and throws it so it smashes against the tile at the base of the stairs. It's not his fault Chris let Sandy put up pictures. Are they fucking married or something?

The door to Chris's room opens then, and the next part is really Chris's fault, because if he wasn't late for his date with Sandy Jensen wouldn't have had to lock himself in the bathroom. It doesn't matter anyway, because Chris isn't allowed to mock him for that or for banging his head against the wall unless he and Jared get back together. Jared's never going to speak to him again, so it'll be one of those things they pretend never happened. Like the time Chris's ex-girlfriend broke up with him on the way back from her parents' house, left him on the side of the interstate and Jensen had to drive an hour to pick him up.

He must have banged his head against the wall a few too many times because he completely forgets they figured out how to pop the lock with a flathead screwdriver two months after they moved in. If he'd remembered that, he would have stood in front of the door or something. As it is, Chris manages to get in the room to grab his arm and pull him away from the wall.

"What the hell Jensen? Do you want brain damage?" Chris has both his arms and it's going to get really awkward now that he doesn't have anything to distract him. Yes, a little brain damage might be nice. Maybe he can just have the last two years erased all together. Or maybe just this year, because all the stuff with his parents was pretty much inevitable and even on his most delusional days, he knows things with Justin were never quite right.

Not that Jared's perfect. He wakes up too early and he's kind of a klutz and sometimes he requires way more attention than Jensen has, but it's like he told Chris and Lexi that day they got him completely wasted: Jared's pretty much perfect for him and it's really not fair for Jared to be with anyone else because it's not likely that there's someone else like Jared in the world. Because maybe he likes being woken up with Jared's tongue in his mouth, and maybe he thinks its adorable when Jared runs into doorframes, and maybe, on his better days, he likes the idea that Jared never gets sick of being around him. That last part's pretty amazing, because he's pretty sure that Chris will be sick of him in just a few days.

Yeah, some brain damage would be nice, because if he'd achieved actual brain damage, he would not have thought of all that stuff and he wouldn't have ended up crying on Chris's shoulder-literally.

It's awkward as hell. Somehow they've made it through five years of friendship without really seeing each other cry. Chris has heard him cry once but he was really good at pretending to sleep through the whole thing.

"We're gonna have to watch every football game ever played and drink a lot of beer to repress this later." Chris mumbles as he wraps both arms around him. He really, really wishes Chris would just leave him alone, but he ruined that option by banging his head against the wall. At least Chris doesn't rub his back and make little comforting shh-ing noises. He just kind of stands there and holds him while Jensen sobs and maybe holds onto his shirt a little. Jensen's almost got himself under control when the door opens again.

"Well, this is just gonna be uncomfortable later." At least Lexi has the decency to close the door behind her. "Fuck, Jensen. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you have a damn reason or did you just get hit on the head sometime during the night?"

If he clenches Chris's shirt in his hands and moves a little closer, it's really just because Lexi's a fan of those scary-looking pointy toe shoes and if she's seen Jared, she's probably going to kick him.

"Not. Helping." Chris holds him a little tighter as he grinds out the words.

"Why do I always have to be the sensitive one?"

"Because you're the girl. You're supposed to be better at this shit. That's the whole point of having you around."

He can picture Lexi rolling her eyes, but her voice is softer when she walks over and lifts his head off Chris's shoulder. "God Jensen. What have you done?"

Somehow, Lexi gets him away from Chris and back to the bedroom. The futon's not made up and he's not in the mood to worry about it, so he just climbs into the bed. Sandy hasn't spent the night recently anyway. With all the mess of exams, he's probably seen her more than Chris has this week. Lexi glares as she climbs in next to him.

"When I have traumatic flashbacks of the last time I was in this bed, you're paying for my therapy."

When he doesn't answer, she sighs and pulls him to look at her.

"Why Jen? Come on. Make some sense for me."

They've played this game a million times in the past two years. For some reason it's easier to talk to Lexi than it is to talk to Chris. Its not that he doesn't trust Chris, but every time they try to have any kind of real conversation, it's weird and uncomfortable. Jensen's pretty sure it's his fault. Guys just don't have meaningful conversations with other guys in his family. At least not when they're sober. That's why they have women. His dad talks to his mom; he and Josh talk to MacKenzie or maybe Josh talks to his fiancé now. Jensen's a little out of the loop these days.

Jensen's really fucked up the whole system by being gay and he's pretty sure it drives Jared insane because Jared has no issue with it at all and he doesn't get why Jensen can't just talk to him. He's thought of trying to explain it before, but he's pretty sure Jared won't get it because Jared talks to his brother and his dad. Really he's so damn well adjusted and open with his feelings that there must be something else wrong with him.

But none of that matters now anyway because he's not with Jared anymore and Chris might think its stupid, but he's used to it. They've figured out how to work around it anyway. Jensen talks to Lexi, Lexi talks to Chris and then they have the same information without the weird, uncomfortable conversations. Because it's not that he cares if Chris knows everything, it's just that he doesn't like the part where he has to tell him.

"Jen, come on. He's been crying Jensen. He looks like shit and I'm pretty sure he's been crying. He doesn't even have any idea what he did." Lexi's voice jolts him back into the present and starts to break his resolve not to talk about it.

"He didn't do anything. It's not his fault." She needs to know this anyway if he wants her to call off the firing squad. He needs her to convince Chris not to go after Jared and demand an explanation that Jared doesn't have.

"Okay. Then whose fault is it?"

Jensen doesn't really have an answer for that. He could say it's his fault, but really he'd rather blame society or something. Lexi's not going to put up with that kind of answer and he doesn't want to listen to her call him stupid, so he shakes his head and turns away from her.

She pulls at his shoulder and climbs over him when he resists. She tries new questions and even kicks him a little, but he can shut down when he wants to. Finally she notices him drifting off a little and sighs in exasperation.

"You didn't even sleep last night did you? You stayed up all night and watched him sleep or something."

Jensen shrugs and she must interpret that as confirmation because she gets up and leaves him alone for a few minutes-probably to fill Chris in on what little she's figured out. Then she's back spooning around him, because she's pissed but she's never pissed enough to just leave him like this.

~*~

When he wakes up to someone shaking his shoulder, everything is wrong. The arm draped over his waist is too delicate and the hand holding his is thin with manicured nails.

"Hey. Mike wants to talk to you." Chris shakes his shoulder again and holds out the phone.

"I don't wanna talk." He knows better. If Mike's calling Chris to talk to him, then he's seen Jared. Technically, Mike's supposed to be Jensen's friend, but Mike's liked Jared from the beginning and he's always been more than willing to tell Jensen off.

Chris takes the phone back and argues with Mike for a minute. Mike must have some kind of decent argument because finally Chris sighs and switches the phone to speaker.

"Jensen, you need to get up and get your ass back here. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but you're an idiot. I just got called to check out Jared. See, he's leaving. He's going home today instead of Saturday because apparently you broke up with him. So I'm sitting here in the office, pretending to look for his paperwork so that you can get your ass over here and fix whatever the fuck you did."

Mike pauses, probably hoping for an answer while Chris and Lexi just stare at him. What he wants to tell them is that he's not talking to them because they won't understand. Chris isn't going to seriously fuck up Sandy's life just by loving her. But he's had this argument with Chris before and it always ends the same way, so instead of answering he turns back toward the wall.

"Jensen, come on. I know you can hear me." Mike's less angry now and more pleading.

"What're you doing?" Sandy's voice is harder than he remembers ever hearing it.

"Um, getting Jared's paperwork."

"No you're not. Jared's paperwork is on the desk in front of you. You're talking to Jensen."

"Technically."

"Is it working?"

"He hasn't actually spoken yet."

"Then get up and let Jared go home. Jensen has a damn car. If he wants to stop being a shithead, he can drive to San Antonio and beg for forgiveness there."

The phone clicks off and Jensen makes a note to watch out for Chris if he ever really pisses Sandy off.

~*~

Jensen spends the rest of the day in bed. Lexi makes him grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup even though he's not really sick. But it's the only thing she can cook and it just happens to be the only thing he can ever force himself to eat when he doesn't want to eat at all, so it works out.

Chris leaves to go see Sandy after it gets dark. Chris doesn't say anything, but Jensen's pretty sure she refused to come over. He hears Alexis on the phone offering her bed to Amanda since she's staying with Jensen anyway and hopes she's helping out for Sandy's benefit because if she's doing it to help out Chris, he must look a lot worse than he thought.

Mike leaves him a few scathing voicemails and he starts to wonder if he's actually going to lose Mike to Jared in this whole thing. Then he gets a random voicemail from Mike's friend who maybe Jensen's hooked up with a few times, asking why Mike left him a message forbidding him to have rebound sex with Jensen. Apparently the new plan is to not let him have sex with anyone except Jared.

~*~

Mike's waiting when he shows up in the office to serve his time at the front desk.

"You look like shit."

"Thanks. That's really helpful." Really, Jensen thinks he doesn't look that bad. It's hardly the first time he's showed up to work in the office in sweatpants and a t-shirt. At least he doesn't show up in a bikini top sometimes like Eliza-though he's pretty sure no one's ever complained. Then again, no one's ever complained about how he looks either.

"He looks worse." Mike tosses a pair of keys onto the desk in front of him-the keys to his truck that he'd let Jared keep, that he really never wanted to have back.

That was another problem. He'd spent the whole year saying the age difference didn't matter. But it did. Jared didn't know about all his friends that weren't in Austin anymore-all the friends from his first years of college that had moved on, gotten married, even had kids. Last week, Allison had sent him a picture of her newborn son, and Chris might care more about the band than growing up, but Jensen had to agree with Lexi that Tom wasn't looking to get away from Tessa and back to single life.

Not that he was looking to exchange rings with Jared any time soon, but he'd found himself thinking that maybe he'd be okay with not being on market ever again. And that was definitely a problem, because Jared was eighteen and no one actually stayed with the first person they dated in college. Well, okay, maybe a few people did, but he didn't know any guys that did. Jared hadn't had time to date around or even have sex with a girl.

"He asked me to give them to you when I took his dorm keys. There's also a box of your shit sitting in my room." Mike's voice jolts him back to the office. "I told the girls I'd check them out tomorrow, since they kinda hate you."

"Thanks?" He should probably think about sending Jared's stuff back to his parents' house or something. Except that he really doesn't want to give any of it back.

"You know part of my job as your friend is to tell you when you're being a fucking moron and you're too stupid to figure it out yourself."

Jensen stares at the phone and wills it to ring. Surely someone in an entire dorm of people needs to be checked out so they can go home. Unless, of course, they're spending their last day getting drunk and partying like he did freshman year.

"Dude, what is it going to take to get it through your thick head that this kid loves you? And not high school puppy love. You of all people should know he's got way more going on in there than people give him credit for. You've seen him get As on papers without even reading the books. You know the only reason he ever gets behind in class is because he hates turning down any invitation anyone gives him to hang out, because if he was really stupid, you wouldn't be able to teach him eight weeks of chemistry in three hours. And you damn well know that he must really love you if he's gotten over all the shit you put him through already."

When he doesn't answer, Mike picks up a piece of candy from one of the exam care packages no one took and throws it at him.

"I'll take your shift tonight if you'll drive to San Antonio and try to fix this."

"I'd have to be back in the morning to close anyway."

"Which means you'd still have more time than he had on New Years."

It's tempting, but then he remembers he can't just show up at Jared's parents' house. This isn't a normal relationship and Jared deserves a normal relationship. So he shakes his head and picks at the nail polish Kristen spilled on the desk chair instead.

~*~

Lexi opens the door five minutes after he comes back to his room and he's still sitting at his desk staring at the bed. Somehow he forgot that his room would be exactly like he left it-except without Jared to fill it up. Jared must have walked back to his room shirtless, because his shirt is still on the floor were it fell after Jensen pushed it off. It still smells like him and Jensen's sure the pillow still smells like him too.

"You've gotta move out too. You should be packing." Lexi points out as she sits on the couch.

"Think if I pay Chris, he'll do it for me?"

"No, because it's your fault that he had to cram into Sandy's twin bed last night. Mike might do it if you listen to him and go to San Antonio."

"And do what? Show up and out him to his parents?"

"Somehow I think if you really wanted to see him, you could figure something out."

"It's not about that. It's-" Jensen starts before he realizes she's edging toward getting something out of him. She's good.

"I'm gonna crack you. Really, it's better if you just accept it so we can move on to the plan of getting Jared back."

"You're moving out tomorrow and I'll be busy from the time I wake up until I move out." If he just goes to sleep, he really only has to make it until morning.

"I'm going to Houston, not Europe. I can just come back and bug you." Alexis lies down and tries to get comfortable on the couch. That's new.

"Since when do you sleep on the couch? You hate the couch."

"Since I'm hoping the bed still smells like Jared and maybe that'll help you realize what an idiot you're being."

"Then why aren't you in your own room? Don't tell me Allie's hooking up. Aaron went home last night." It's really convenient not having to change for bed. Maybe he'll just wear these sweatpants tomorrow too. The fact that he stole them from Jared has nothing to do with it.

"I'm guarding you so you don't do something retarded that Jared won't forgive you for-like have stupid, random rebound sex."

"I think Mike's already called every possible hook up and told them not to come near me." So maybe once he found out about Jacqui, he went through a little bit of a casual sex phase. That was with Justin and it was actually a very sound plan. It made Justin so jealous that he showed up at the townhouse and let Jensen fuck him into the mattress. It wasn't the first time it happened, but it was rare enough Jensen wasn't going to turn him down.

But Jared isn't Justin. He'd be more likely to refuse to touch Jensen ever again than show up to stake his claim. And while maybe that would push Jared to get over him, Jensen is kind of hoping that after they get over each other, he can at least have Jared as a friend.

"Yeah, well, even looking like that you could pick someone up, so you'll just have to put up with me."

"Fine. Have fun with the couch." The pillow does still smell like Jared and he breathes in deep.

~*~

Chris and Mike do help him move out, just like he knew they would. He ends up shipping a few things to San Antonio that he thinks Jared might really want back and he keeps the things Jared probably doesn't remember he has.

He still hasn't reached an agreement with Chris on how much rent he's paying to share the townhouse with Mike and Tom for the summer, but they agree without speaking to shelf the argument for at least a day.

When he wakes up from his nap, he can hear soft melodies from a guitar outside the window. It's probably a little weird that he knows the song Chris is singing is about him, but music has always been the only way they really communicate. Freshman year, it was the first thing that made him think he could have anything in common with a country boy that was more from Oklahoma than Texas.

So it's a little weird, but it works better than trying to actually talk about anything and he feels a little guilty about shutting Chris out and ruining his last few days with Sandy. So he picks up his guitar and grabs a beer from the kitchen before taking the other lawn chair on the porch.

Chris doesn't look up until he finishes the song and takes a swig from his own beer.

"Thought you were gonna sleep all day."

"Your loud ass woke me up." Jensen answers as he pulls out his guitar and picks out the first few cords. Chris knows the song, but he listens until the second verse before he joins in. They sang this song together the first time after Chris broke up with Stephanie. He lets Chris take over for a verse while he takes another drink, but they finish together.

Chris pulls a cigarette from the pack on the table between them and lights up.

"Sandy hates when you smoke." Jensen feels the need to point out as he pulls a cigarette out of the pack and lights up with him.

"Jared hates when you smoke." Chris counters and they let it hang heavy in the air.

Jensen inhales for the first time since January when Jared caught him smoking. Jared has this theory that smoking is selfish because you're slowly taking yourself away from the people that care about you. He'd looked so crushed by the whole idea of Jensen slowly killing himself that Jensen had snubbed out the cigarette he was smoking and said it was no big deal. It was just something he did sometimes when he drank, but he wasn't addicted so he just wouldn't do it anymore. Steve gave him shit about it, but Jared gave him blowjob, so it was worth it.

They sit in silence for a few minutes until Chris sets his cigarette in the ashtray and starts another song. Jensen takes drags off his cigarette and sips his beer as Chris sings. This one's not about them. Chris is saying he misses Sandy, maybe even that he loves Sandy. And maybe he's saying he knows Jensen really loves Jared too.

Jensen starts the next song and Chris raises an eyebrow when he slips and changes a pronoun. Of course, they've both known for a long time he's usually singing with the wrong ones, but he never bothered to change them before Jared asked him to and now he's gotten used to it.

They play back and forth for a while until they're kind of on the same page. Chris still doesn't know why he broke up with Jared and he still thinks Jensen's an idiot, but they're okay and that's always something.

"Steve said you guys need someone else to come on tour." Jensen's been thinking about it and he really wants to get out of Texas.

"You've talked to Steve?"

"He sent out an e-mail."

"You offerin' to go?"

"Yeah."

"Just for the record, I know you're running away like a pussy."

~*~

Jensen spends the next day on the couch with Chris watching ESPN and killing a twenty-four pack of Corona. In theory by the end of the day, they'll have completely repressed the whole episode where Jensen cried all over his shirt.

Mike finally starts talking to him again and manages to go entire hours between calling him an idiot. When Tom cancels a date because they have to see the end of the Rangers game, Tessa calls Sandy and very pointedly tells her how lucky she is to be back in California. Then she rolls her eyes and carries the phone outside. Chris flips her off, but there's no heat in it. Probably because she agreed to go pick up food for them since they've all managed to get too drunk to drive and no one wants anything that delivers.

~*~

When Jensen wakes up on Monday, Chris is already outside on the phone with Sandy and he's got about twenty e-mails from people whose calls and texts he's ignored. He's going to have no friends at the rate he's going because even his first sort-of boyfriend has heard by now and he wants to know what the hell happened because last time they talked he said everything with Jared was great.

He can only think of one person that might agree with him and might not tell him he's just an idiot, but after his birthday he swore he was never talking to Justin again no matter what. Plus, there's always the chance that Justin will take it as an invite and then he'll just be back where he was at the beginning of the year.

But Jensen's also pretty sure that part of the reason no one has left him alone in four days is that they're still afraid he'll go the casual sex rebound route and if they plan to cock-block everyone, they sure as hell won't let him get tied up fucking Justin again.

He gets Justin's voicemail and figures it's a sign and doesn't leave a message, but less than a minute later, his phone's ringing.

Jensen knows he shouldn't pick up. But maybe he should because he's the asshole who called in the first place and it would be rude to not answer. He knows that's bullshit, but then, he's already talked himself into it once.

"Hey."

"Hey. Sorry I didn't answer. I'm at my parent's house. It went to voicemail before I could get outside. But when Lexi comes at me with a butcher knife, you better tell her you called me first."

"I should just let her attack you."

"You're still mad about your birthday." It's not a question, but Justin doesn't sound like he wants to start a fight anyway.

"You were an ass and I should never speak to you again after that shit." He doesn't really feel like having this fight right now, but he kind of has to say it. He owes Jared that much.

"And I didn't really expect you too. But since you called me, I'll say I'm sorry. I was jealous and I didn't want to let you go, but I didn't have a right and I know that. Just like I know that's not why you called me, so how about we move on to that." Justin's calm for the first time since they broke up. He sounds more like the guy Jensen fell in love with and less like the one who broke his heart.

"Have you talked to Lexi?" Jensen knows they aren't really friends anymore, but he also knows that sometimes, when Justin's upset, he still calls her and she still answers. She never says anything, but sometimes he can tell.

"She called me randomly and ordered me not to call you even though I haven't. Then she asked if I'd seen you or talked to you. So I kind of figured something was up and she was trying to figure out if it was my fault. You should tell her it's not, by the way."

"Sorry. I never told her it was. I just never told her what was wrong so she's trying out every option."

"Are you gonna tell me?"

"Are you going to be normal Justin or psycho insane jealous Justin?" It's a fair question. It's been fifty-fifty for over a year now.

"Man, I already figured out it's gotta be about your boyfriend if Lexi's calling me and telling me to stay away from you. And I'm still being normal. I know I've fucked up, but I've kinda accepted that Lexi's right and if I'm not gonna make you happy, I gotta let him do it. Because I know it hasn't seemed that way a lot of the time, but I do want you to be happy. I…I always wanted you to be happy, I just couldn't…" Justin fades off and that's okay. He's always kind of known Justin never set out to purposely fuck up his life or he wouldn't have put up with so much of Justin's shit.

"He's not my boyfriend anymore."

"Your choice or his?" Justin's a little tense but his voice stays even and Jensen thinks that maybe they can finally be normal after all. Jensen's not sure he really wants to be friends with Justin anyway, but it gives him a little hope that maybe one day he can be friends with Jared.

"Mine."

"Why?"

"Lots of reasons." Now that he's talking, Jensen's not sure he wants to voice them after all.

"Start with one."

"He's bi. He's not gay; he's bi."

"And that bothers you?"

"No, but it means he doesn't have to deal with all the shit that comes with being gay if he doesn't want to. He could have a normal life and no one would even have to know."

"And that's what he wants? He was having trouble working out the gay stuff?"

"He doesn't know yet that it's gonna get harder. All his friends are okay with it and his brother is mostly okay with it, but you know, one day he's gonna hit something. I don't even know what his parents would do if they found out. What if they're like my parents? Me leading him into this, it's just not fair."

"Wait. So you're saying that what? You broke up with him for his own good so that he can go date girls and be normal-even though he never said that was what he wanted?" Justin's always had this way of wording things so people feel like total idiots.

"He would eventually. He just thinks it's no big deal so far because it's all been okay. He'd figure it out eventually and then it'd just be harder."

"Maybe. Or maybe it's really not a big deal to him."

"You don't even know him." Jensen shouldn't be annoyed, but really, the whole point of this call was to hear someone agree with him and understand. Justin never was good at just doing what Jensen wanted him to.

"No, I don't. But Lexi's done a pretty good job of making him sound like the best thing that's ever happened to you. And Jensen, I do get it. You know I get why you want to let him have that, but, how I see it, there's a huge, gigantic flaw in your plan."

"What?"

"Man, if he thinks it's not such a big deal, what if he just ends up dating another guy?"

"That's stupid. He wouldn't do that." He tries to sound sure, but suddenly he's not.

"Why? Because you're the hottest guy on the planet and you can turn otherwise totally straight guys gay?"

"You seemed to think so." Jensen knows he shouldn't pick that fight, but suddenly he really wants to throw up.

"You didn't even think of that did you?" Justin sounds a little sad and Jensen can hear him take a deep breath. "Look, I'm gonna tell you the truth here. If that happens after you fucked up what you had with this guy, you're gonna feel like shit and you're gonna want to kill yourself when you see someone else walking around with what you gave up."

"He wouldn't take me back anyway."

"I doubt that. You're not exactly the easiest person to get over." He can hear Justin sigh and Jensen can't help wishing just a little that he was here and not in Illinois even though he knows nothing good would come of it. Besides, it's not really Justin that he wants.

"That's not the only reason."

"And the other reasons are things you know for sure and not things that you might be completely wrong about?"

"You know, I called you because you were supposed to agree with me."

"Sorry. You want me to tell you how right you are and then offer to come down there and fuck you until you can't remember his name? Because that's what I want to say, but you said you wanted me to act like a normal person."

~*~

Jensen deletes the call logs on his phone, but Chris still glares at him when he comes out of the shower.

"Is this seriously about Justin? You're talking to Justin again?"

"What? No." There's no way Chris can know he's talked to Justin.

"You called him around one thirty this afternoon and he called you back and you talked for around twenty minutes."

"What? Did you bug my phone or something?"

"No, but that's a good idea. Then I'd know what you talked about." Chris is angry and Jensen can't really blame him. He's promised to stop speaking to Justin and gotten caught more times than he can count.

"Nothings going on, okay? He's in Illinois and I'm not trying to start something up again. This shit has nothing to do with him. I just needed to talk to him about something, but it's not a big deal."

"I'm not leaving you alone again if you're gonna do stupid shit like that." Chris glares at him for a few seconds but finally changes the subject to the Ultimate Fighting Championship that's airing all day and tells him Tom's picking up more beer.

~*~

Jensen feels like he should be into this ultimate fighting thing a lot more than he is. For one thing, all the other guys are really into the girls fighting and they only showed a couple of the girlfights, so theoretically he should be way more into this than anyone else. There are lots of shirtless guys and they're all over each other. The whole thing is pretty gay as far as he can tell.

Except that he can't stop thinking about Jared with some other guy. He's pretty sure that Jared would tell him it's stupid to be more bothered about the idea of Jared with another guy than with a girl, but he can't help it. It doesn't make sense. Of course Jared would date a girl next. For one thing, there were just more girls that might hit on him than guys. Statistics really should make it more likely that Jared won't just hook up with another guy.

Except that now Jared's a lot less nervous about guys than he is with girls and it would be just like Jared to not care if being with guys caused way more problems than being with girls. Actually, Jared seemed to think there would be just as much if not more drama if he dated a girl.

He'd be lying if he said part of the reason the idea of Jared being with another guy pissed him off so much wasn't because if he hasn't been inside Jared, no one else should be either.

Not that he would ever push. After all, it took three damn years since he lost his virginity for him to trust anyone enough to try it. Really, he only gave it a try because after two months of avoiding the issue, he figured out that Justin wasn't going to give in anytime soon. But still, Jensen was kind of hoping Jared would eventually get curious. Now that's never going to happen.

Mike's cell phone lands in his lap.

"Just call him."

"He probably wouldn't pick up anyway."

"It's my phone. He'll pick up."

"And then he'll hang up." Jensen's not really sure he would, but Jared stopped trying to call him after the first two days, so maybe he's given up.

"Jared doesn't hang up on telemarketers because 'they're just doing their job.'"

Jensen just shakes his head and throws the phone back, because there are still a million other reasons that don't have anything to do with whoever Jared dates next.

~*~

When he hears the door close behind him, he really expects it to be Chris. He's probably paranoid Jensen's going to call Justin again if he has enough time alone.

Seeing Jared again is even more shocking than when he showed up for New Years. All he wants is to step into those long arms and curl into his chest and he doesn't even care if it's girly, because the t-shirt Jared left in his room doesn't smell like Jared anymore. But Jared's just right there a few feet away and all Jensen wants to do is touch him and breathe him in-which is why he really needs to take a step back.

"What're you doing here?"

"You still have my pants." Jared says and nods his head down a little.

"You want your pants back?" Jensen wonders if Jared really wants him to change right now. He suddenly feels naked without a shirt, which is really stupid considering how many times Jared's really seen him naked.

"Not really." Jared's staring straight into his eyes and it really doesn't help him feel less exposed. "I wanna know why."

"Jared, I can't." Jensen doesn't add that the reason he can't explain is because he really just doesn't think he can talk at all.

"You don't think I deserve a reason? Because so far all I've been able to find out is that Jeff told you I wanted kids or something and that freaked you out."

"He told you that?" Jensen really thought he was safe on that one. Jeff really seemed like he knew better than to share that conversation.

"Chad told me. Jeff didn't deny it when I asked him though." Jared looks at him, but Jensen's still thinking that Chad picks the weirdest times to take an interest in Jared's life. "Come on, man. If you don't ever want a family and all that and you just wanted to end it before we got to the point of talking about that stuff, you could've at least told me."

"And you'd've listened?" He doesn't wait for an answer. If the answer is yes, then he doesn't want to know. "Jared, I can't do it. I can't keep going with this knowing that you're gonna leave me whenever you're ready to start your life."

"Why would I leave you?" Jared looks genuinely confused and he thinks that maybe Justin was right, because if Jared doesn't see why they can't have a family, he might just end up with another guy.

"Because we can't. You know we can't have that."

"Why?" Jensen's pretty sure Jared knows why, but then, he also knows Jared got his birds and bees talk from Jeff.

"Dude, I'm not retarded. I know we can't actually make babies. But come on, it's not like you have to make your own kids these days. There's an orphanage full of kids just waiting to be adopted back home and that's just San Antonio. Or you know, there's all these other options and who knows what options we'd have years from now-which is when we should actually be having this conversation. Because dude, I'm eighteen. I'm not looking to worry about this anytime soon."

"This is exactly my point, Jared." Maybe it's not the same point, but it's another one. Jared's not thinking about these things yet. Later, when he does, he'll realize he doesn't want it with Jensen. He'll figure out its too hard and he'll probably figure it out in a way that really sucks.

"What? That you don't want that?" Jared's face crumbles a little when he asks and Jensen realizes that maybe he does want it a little if it's with Jared. But that doesn't mean they can have it. That's why he's never thought about it. Gay people don't get to have the dogs and the kids and the white picket fence and he accepted that long before he even graduated high school.

"That you just think everything's going to be that simple. That you don't realize it's not even legal for us to adopt in some states. And you really think we could do that in Texas? That we could get away with that? That our kids wouldn't suffer for it?"

"So? We move somewhere else eventually." Jared waves his hand like he can just wave away all the obstacles that easily.

"It's not just that." Jensen sighs. He doesn't want to do this but maybe it's the only thing that will get through Jared's head. "It's been so easy so far, but you're going to suffer eventually. You're gonna be an RA next year. Last year, four of my residents asked to be moved to different floors in the first three days after move in. Another one asked to be moved to an entirely different dorm."

Jared says his name and tries to reach for him, but Jensen steps back. If he lets Jared too close, he won't do this.

"When I started looking for a job after I came out, I got fired from the first one after they found out I was gay. That's still legal Jared. When I finally got another job, I hid it from Erica for the first few months because I needed the money and I didn't know how she'd take it."

If he's honest, he knows he never told Jared about anything that's happened to him because he was afraid of scaring him away. Jared was so hesitant about starting this and Jensen wanted him so much, that maybe he down played some of the everyday things.

"God, Jen, I'm sorry. But I'm not stupid. I've known some stuff like that would eventually happen."

"But it doesn't have to for you. I don't have a choice. I can't pretend to like girls-believe me, I've tried. But you do have a choice. You don't have to deal with any of that shit and it's not right for me to expect you to."

"You're an idiot." Jared rolls his eyes a little and Jensen's still trying to figure out exactly why he's an idiot this time when Jared moves toward him again. Jared has him backed against the wall now and he can't help leaning into Jared's hand when it presses against his cheek. "Did it ever occur to you that I've already thought of all this stuff? That maybe, I've seen a little of it already? Those people are stupid, Jensen. They're stupid and I just don't care about them."

"What about your parents? And your sister? You don't know what they're gonna say if they find out." Jensen doesn't want to see the impact he thinks his words will make and he tries to turn his head, but Jared just brings up his other huge hand and blocks him from looking away.

"Megan knows. She figured it out. She says I should get you back because there's no way anyone as hot as you will fall for a dork like me again. Which means my parents raised three kids that aren't homophobic and that's gotta say something."

Megan knows? Megan knows and she actually thinks Jared should get him back? He considers the idea that maybe Jared's family won't be like his, but then he remembers.

"My parents raised Mack and me."

Jared flicks his eyes away for a second, but he's even more determined when he looks back.

"Fair enough, but I've got a little more faith in mine. Either way, that's not the point."

"Then what is the point?" Jensen thinks his voice might shake a little as Jared pins him just a little closer to the wall. Jared dips his head a little and his hair falls over Jensen's face. He can smell Jared's shampoo and the Axe bodywash from his shower and he can feel his resolve starting to crack.

"The point is, that I know it's gonna be hard sometimes. And I don't care. Because I think you're worth it. What we have is worth it. And if you don't think so, then you're even more of an idiot than I thought." Jared leans down and the kiss is tentative, like Jared's giving him a chance to object. Maybe he is an idiot, because he never imagined that Jared considered all these things and just thought he was worth it. Unfortunately, he also knows there's a difference between knowing something will happen and living with it when it does, so he looks down before he can feel Jared's lips again.

"You don't know Jared. You think it's worth it and you think you can't get over me and move on. But you can. I know it doesn't feel like it, because fuck, I hate this too. But you'll be okay and you've got so much time. You can find a girl and fall in love with her. You can have love and a normal life." Jensen figured he should point out the girl aspect of the plan, because if Justin was right and Jared ended up with another guy, he'd probably end up calling Justin back for tips on how to be a psycho ex-boyfriend.

"And what if I don't? Maybe I'm not you. Maybe I'll never get over you. Maybe everyone after you will always feel like second best and I'll never be complete like this again. Maybe I'd be fine if I never met you, but I know damn well that now I'm gonna compare everyone I ever met to you and I really doubt anyone else is ever going to measure up." Jared pulls his face back up again and forces him to look into his eyes. "Are you really so sure that you're gonna get over me and find someone else that fits like we do? Tell me you think you can have this with someone else and I'll let you give it a shot."

Normally, Jensen's a pretty good liar. Hell, he's spent most of his life lying. But Jared's got those damn honest eyes and someone really should tell him to stop being so fucking sincere and open because it's really going to bite him in the ass one day. He's still trying to come up with something that's not a lie when Jared's thumbs stoke over his cheeks to get his attention.

"I'm not gonna believe you if you lie anyway. I can see it all over your face. Dammit Jensen, just let us have this. We'll be happy if you just let it happen and stop trying to control everything that might ever go wrong. Shit happens. I'd rather it happen with you next to me, backing me up."

"You're sure about that? I've kinda been an asshole. A lot." Maybe he should take Jared to a shrink, because he's pretty sure Jared's way better than he deserves but Jared just keeps taking him back anyway. He doesn't even know he let a tear slip out until Jared brushes it away.

"I'm really looking forward to all the time you're going to spend making it up to me."

Jared smiles just enough to make him remember how much he loves those dimples. Then Jared's lips are pressing against his again and really he's only so strong. He can't help pressing closer to Jared. He's like an addict thinking the drink he takes before going into rehab is the last one he'll ever take. He never thought he'd get to taste Jared again or feel those arms wrap around him. Jensen breaks away, because he knows he made Jared's life hell the last few days. He made Jared cry and he should go to hell just for that.

"I'm sorry. I just, I thought you'd be better off. I just, I didn't want to make your life harder than it had to be." It's lame and if Jared has any sense, he'll turn around and leave him here.

"I know. It's okay. Just, next time, I want bigger warning signs. Before you do something stupid like break up with me for my own good. Okay?" Jared's some kind of saint, because instead of walking away, he pulls Jensen against his chest.

"I won't. I won't do something like this again." He swears to himself that he won't. If Jared's actually going to forgive him, he's not screwing up like this again. Maybe Jared might still leave him a few years from now, but he has a feeling whatever time he gets will be worth it. He's shaking a little with relief but at least he's managing not to cry anymore. He's just having some issues breathing.

"I know. I know." Maybe Jared does rub his back and make little shh-ing sounds, but he doesn't mind so much when it's Jared. "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay."

Jensen can finally breathe again and suddenly he's aware of the heat of Jared's palms running over the bare skin of his back. Jensen's spent the last few days thinking of how Jared smells, and feels, and sounds when Jared's inside him and if he's going to give in and take the chance that Jared might just want to be with him forever, then he wants Jared inside him now.

He starts pulling at Jared's belt and he felts a little jolt of surprise from Jared at his sudden change of mood, but Jared's always been one to catch up quickly and soon he's pushing Jensen's-Jared's-loose sweats off and man-handling Jensen toward the futon.

It's all a little unfair because Jared's already got him naked and he's still fighting with Jared's jeans as he turns them around and pushes Jared down on the bed instead. Chris is going to be pissed later, but he's sick of the fucking lumpy futon. At least Jared helps out by pulling off his own shirt as Jensen finally frees him from his jeans.

Jared pulls him down on the bed and all he wants is to feel every last inch of the body he's been missing for days now. He'd worry about coming off as desperate but Jared's pushing against him just as hard, running those fucking huge hands all over his body and kissing with more teeth than usual.

"Missed this. Missed you." Jared's voice is rough and his breath is hot as he licks and sucks down Jensen's neck. Jared's cock pushes hard against his, making him groan and push his hips up for more friction. He wonders when they went from Jared looking to him for every direction, to Jared reducing him to writhing and moaning in just a few minutes. Knowing Jared, it probably happened by the third time they had sex. Jared's just got this insane way of remembering every single place on his body that drives him crazy. It's like he hits a button once and immediately catalogs it for later use. By now, he's doing nothing but hitting button after button. Really, if Jared was the insensitive type, he probably could have just skipped all the talking and moved right to this, because Jensen's just about to start begging when he realizes that he has no fucking clue where he packed his lube and if Chris has some lying around somewhere he really doesn't want to know about it or touch it.

"Fuck. Do you have anything? I don't know where my stuff is." Jared better have something or he's going to have to improvise with lotion or whatever the fuck they can find.

Jared laughs a little and Jensen thinks he could have tried that too, because it feels so fucking good to make Jared smile again that Jensen doesn't even care if he's laughing at him a little. As far as he's concerned, the only two expressions Jared should ever have are happy and really fucking horny and right now he's got both. The world is officially right again.

"I might have stopped on the way." Jared grins and pulls a bottle of lube and a condom out of the pocket of his jeans. "Just in case."

"Oh thank god." Jensen laughs and pulls him back on top, smiling because the only time he really feels whole, the only time he really forgets about school and his family and everything else is when Jared's inside him. If he could afford to think about nothing but Jared for the rest of his life, that would be just fine with him.

"Missed me too?" Jared's grinning, like he knows the fucking answer anyway, but his finger is paused right over where Jensen wants it and he's clearly waiting for an answer.

"Yes. Every. Fucking. Second. Stop teasing already."

Jared smirks a little, but he pushes his finger inside and curves it just the right way so Jensen really doesn't care if Jared's mocking him openly as long as he keeps doing that. He pushes, fucking himself on Jared's finger and moaning as Jared sucks on his neck. Jensen wants to rush it. He wants Jared inside him as soon as fucking possible, but Jared's not letting him rush. Jared's stretching him open slowly, holding him down and mumbling so many dirty things in his ear that Jensen wishes he could remember them later and repeat them just to see Jared blush.

"God Jen, you're so beautiful like this. So amazing. How could I ever want anything else? How could you think that?"

Jared's tongue pushes into his mouth before he can answer. It's probably a good thing, because he's not sure what he'd say. Except that Jared's clearly got it all wrong, because Jensen's the lucky one. He spent the first twenty-three years of his life trying to tell himself that it had to get better. God couldn't really be that cruel, and one day, He'd make it up to Jensen. He'd give Jensen something so amazing that everything else wouldn't seem quite so bad. Now Jensen thinks he was right, because he has Jared and he doesn't understand why Jared puts up with his shit and his eight million mistakes. But he does. And for whatever reason that Jensen can't understand, Jared loves him.

"Baby, please. Been way too long since I felt you." Jensen might feel a little ashamed that Jared can make him beg so easily, but he's knows Jared loves it and it works every fucking time.

"I know Jen. I know." Jared pulls his fingers away and for a minute, Jensen feels so fucking empty. Then Jared's pushing inside and it always burns a little, because Jared's not a small guy, but he doesn't care. Because Jared's here, with him, inside him, and he's not going anywhere.

~*~